insurmountable | i'm dragging a heart that weighs a ton / holding out for not just anyone

[ an honest person, or a good poker player—she can't really tell. to be fair, he hasn't really completely lied to her. omitted a few details, sure, and kept her out of the loop, but lie? no, not at all. which is hilarious and ironic considering his job.

still, she keeps her eyes on his expression, observing any changes in it, any shift that would indicate that he's being irreverent and thoughtless. confidence can be easily masked if this was over the phone, the tone of voice effortlessly manipulated. but there's always something on a person's face that gives them away.

but there's none on ajax's face, which makes her feel a multitude of conflicting feelings. it would've been easier for her if he had answered yes. ]

But whatever your feelings are, is it your own or is it Childe's?

[ she doesn't know why that matters, but she feels that it should, considering what's happening to them. ]

When you look at me, is it the other Lumine you're seeing? The one in our visions?

[There it is, the root to all this. It's the same thought that's clouded his own perception of reality, whether any of his actions are truly his or if they belong to the long dead Harbinger. And what of her? He can't be the only one between them that feels like their life is slowly being taken over by someone else, that even their whole personality is changing with it. Ajax takes a deep breath, pushing the remaining food to the side, and looks at her with a straight and serious face.

He won't play around here, no teasing, nothing of the sort.

Because out of everything that's happening to them, this frightens him the most.]

Lumine, I think at this point we have no reason to hide things from each other. Would you agree?

[It's not that he's trying to dodge her question, but he wants to make sure they're on the same page before he answers it. It's a conversation that he feels has been coming for some time now, but how to approach it is important to him.]

[ lumine wants to argue that, well, no, not really. there are still things that she'd rather not tell him, things that she'd rather keep a secret from him. not out of fear of him learning about it, but out of uncertainty of what will come next, what he would say after. it's the first time she's been given something that she doesn't know what to do about despite her decisiveness on a lot of matters.

but she supposes that that's something that can be discussed on another day, a less tiring, less frustrating day.

she gestures at him, withdrawing her leg and letting her foot drop back to the floor. her own food is also set aside, most likely to be forgotten depending on how this conversation will go. ]

Sure, go on.

[He takes a deep breath, his mind focused on how to phrase this. How to tell her what's happened to him, what Yae had pointed out...it's hard for him to discuss, and he'd much rather not. But he can tell this bothers her, and he wonders if the way she reacts to him is because of how the Lumine from ancient days sees him. If she influences Lumine's mind, to see a past lover who'd never gotten the chance to do anything more than keep their relationship hidden from the public eye, who she loved so dearly and missed desperately.

He has to take a moment, before he responds. It's a heavy question she's asked him, and it's deserving of a worthy answer. But he too, has questions of his own.]

Lumine...it's a difficult question to answer. Because I don't even know if I'm even me anymore.

[He looks away, his eyes narrowing. He thinks back to what they'd said as Childe and Lumine indulged in each other. How he was fighting Childe off, how easily he'd rushed and taken control. And how it felt like everything Childe said and thought was himself, thinking and saying it along with him. As if there were no difference between the two of them.]

It's the same for you, isn't it? We're both housing them inside of us.

[ so it's the same with him: the uncertainty, the pull of emotions, the feelings of disorientation. but it makes sense, she thinks. first, it was the visions they shared; now, this. but that's what makes things even more terrifying, and the fear that she might slowly lose herself in the process is becoming more and more of a reality.

lumine says nothing for a long while, lowering her gaze to the table as she gathers her thoughts. rifles through it like she would with work, thoroughly and keenly. her hands shake before she balls them into fists, tucking them under the table. ]

I knew that ... I had a feeling ...

[ that day in snezhnaya, right after they've met them, something had felt different. and she'd been fighting against those feelings ever since, unwilling to allow it to change her, but it's always felt like she's been fighting against the sea. ]

But no, I'm still myself, [ she says with a firm shake of her head. ] I haven't changed at all. I know I haven't, or else, Aether would've noticed something.

[Ajax's expression softens, looking back to her when she says that she's still her. It's a relief for him to hear, and he hopes that she means that and she's just not saying it because she's trying to deny what's happening. But something still nags at him, because that doesn't feel right. Like there had been things she's done differently than what he expected, but perhaps that's just because he's being paranoid. He can't put his finger on it, really.]

I should tell you something else. When...

[He looks down again. It's hard to say. But it might be important for her to know.]

When Yae entered me, she pointed out that there was a hole inside me. It was as if she could take her finger and stick it right through my soul. She asked me if I was ever going to let it heal, and if I didn't, I wouldn't be able to regain my full strength. I don't know what that means, but I can't help but think it's related to Childe.

[Yae telling him he was stubborn, telling Lumine she was stubborn too. He doesn't want to admit it, sorely doesn't want to. But what if that's their fate, that eventually it will heal up on its own and he disappears? It's a fate he doesn't want, for either of them.]

[ she doesn't know what that means either. it could be the weird ramblings of an old priestess, or it could mean something else. at this rate, lumine could bet all of the stocks she has in aether's company that it's the latter and she'd win double because that's seemingly the case between them lately.

still, she doesn't know if summoning yae will help them or make things even more complicated. on another day, perhaps, but not now; she's had enough of her earlier. ]

Childe said something to Lumine about how they should've told us ...

[ told them what? not to fight it? that was their conversation earlier, something that lumine's managed to catch before she drowned in ajax—childe. she doesn't know how to make sense of it. ]

... So how do you know, then? [ she looks up at him, nails digging into her palm. it hurts, but it keeps her ground. ] That you've been drawn to me since seeing me if you can't even tell. That could've just been your friendship with my brother and fascination since we do look alike, after all.

Lumine.

[That's something he needs to set straight right away, whatever this reasoning she has with her brother being some kind of influence on his emotions.]

The fact that he's your twin bears no weight on this whatsoever. I'm not into guys, so trust me when I say that he's a non-factor in this. If anything, the only thing that would factor in is that I be nice to you since you're my friend's sister. But that isn't what we're talking about here.

[Okay. Now that that's settled. It's back to the hard question and topic, the one that he'd been putting off addressing for some time now.]

However, I don't know how to answer your question...because while I know my affections for you are my own, I can't shake that they are also his. It's hard to explain. It's as if when I look at you, not only do I see you, but he sees her at the same time. And our feelings...they're the exact same.

[So was it Childe's feelings, or his own? When he thinks about, it's both, and it sends a wave of uncertainty through him, nearly knocking him off his feet. Saying that was hard enough, but facing the reality of it...that's even harder.]

That's not ...

[ what she meant at all, but lumine says nothing more, simply lowering her gaze again to her plate and sighing under her breath. is there any point arguing about that, especially when he's so adamant about his own feelings towards her and towards her twin brother?

for a moment, she unclenches her hands, gaze flickering over the half-moon indents her nails dug into her palm, before she closes them again. ]

... But doesn't that make it even more suspect? To say you both feel the same way, to say that your feelings are the exact same when you look at me ...

[ how does he know that those aren't childe's feelings but his? because where do feelings end and childe's start and vice versa? the line gets blurred, nothing at all different from hers when she looks at him. ]

This is getting too complicated.

[It's now that he finally chuckles, a small quiet laugh that bubbles up out of him. Complicated it definitely a word for it. He smiles downward at the plate of food he's pushed to the side, focusing on it because he's not sure if he can look up quite yet.]

Does it truly matter anymore? If it's him or me? He's right, you know. I've been warding him off as much as I can, but I've failed more than once. And with every day that passes, I can't help but feel as if the line between where he stops and I begin fades away more and more.

[Ajax thinks back, not only is that the case, but his memories have been popping up into his head too. Ones he can remember clearly, telling him more and more about who Childe was as a person back then.]

He and I aren't all that different. I'm really not surprised that no one's noticed yet. And perhaps, that fate might befall you, too, if it hasn't already.

[He looks to her now, as if to ask if she was sure that she hadn't changed. If maybe, Lumine from the distant past was also similar to her, in some ways. So much so that even Aether wouldn't notice.]

[ the expression she sends his way is of surprise and disbelief, for a moment caught off-guard by his words. lumine can't believe that that is his sentiment over this. she realises that perhaps he's grown attached to childe from the things they've seen and witnessed; she's not going to deny that she feels closer to lumine more than ever, especially with the memories that are starting to crop up lately in her mind and dreams.

but is that really something that he doesn't mind? to lose himself and become childe? sure, perhaps they're not at all different, but for her, they are. ]

So, you wouldn't care if I call you Childe? If I think of you as him?

[ would she be able to accept that if she were in his place? to be seen as the other lumine, the lumine who is not her? what would become of her, then? her identity, her life—is she simply going to have to relinquish it all to a person who's lived their own life already a thousand years ago? ]

... Is that your answer to my question, then? Is it the other Lumine you see when you look at me?

No, I don't want you to call me Childe. I don't want to think of myself as him. It's just...

[Ajax's hand comes up to push his hair up out of his face, holding his forehead in frustration. It's not that, but he can't explain it well at all. How in some aspects, he hasn't changed at all, either because it hasn't gotten to that point or because he and Childe are so much alike that there was no difference to begin with. That only small parts of the Harbinger have come through noticeably, but he'll refrain from telling her that- because it's upsetting, and it's already bad enough he's upset.

He doesn't want to upset her any more than he already has.]

When...I'm me, I see you. I can see the difference between yourself and your ancient counterpart, and I don't conflate the two. But sometimes, not always however, in intimate moments...it's as if both worlds blend together. I'm not sure if that makes sense.

[Ajax hopes she understands. He looks as upset as he sounds, not hiding how he feels about this. It's a reality that's shaken him to his core, and even now he's trying his best to be honest and yet supportive all at the same time.]

[ lumine falls silent in the aftermath of his words, her expression visibly hurt and confused and upset. but she holds her tongue anyway, trying to figure this all out. once again, there's that part of her urging her to simply give in, accept this reality that they have. the other lumine isn't going away, not when she's fully established herself inside of her. and she knows–she knows she doesn't mean to hurt her; it's not lumine's nature to do so.

but that existential dread remains deeply rooted within her, its tendrils wrapped around her heart. she doesn't lose what she has, who she is. otherwise she shouldn't have lived at all. ]

... Will it help if we don't see each other?

[ lumine can feel herself being torn apart as she says those words, as if two halves of her fighting for and against the idea. but if it's as what he says, if it only happens during moments they're together— ]

Maybe if we keep away from each other, then things would go back to how they were. And that would be for the best, wouldn't it? ... For us.

[As he looks up, the hurt in his eyes is palpable at the thought of not seeing her anymore. If there was anything in this world he'd rather avoid if at all possible, it was to lose her. He'd let himself be taken to save her, just the day before, if that told him anything about himself- and that was his decision to make, not Childe's.

The words repeat in his mind. No. He doesn't want that. No. He can't. No.]

I can't stand the thought of not being able to see you again.

[Spoken in a dreadful, painful whisper. As if he may stop breathing if he was barred from being with her. Ajax had never intended this conversation to end with a confession on his end, but he'd put it out there, so why hide it. But still- even though he knows she's right, it might be a way to keep this process from stopping. But what of Yae's advice? What of what Lumine and Childe had said? Even if they don't see each other anymore, can they really stop the process of becoming one with them?]

...And I don't think that's possible anyhow. We're still being hunted. It would be far too easy for them to pick us off apart.

[Because he still can't deny that truth, either. He feels stuck, like there's nothing he can do but walk this path set before him.]

[ lumine flinches, not from his very honest admission but from the way he says it. an invisible hand squeezes her heart tightly inside her chest, making her work hard for its every beat. it's not fair, she thinks, how he can easily say those words. it's not fair to her.

and her entire being agrees with him. the thought of not seeing him again is torture, a kind of torment she shouldn't have to go through. but lumine wants to ask herself if those emotions, such a sentiment comes from the other lumine herself, once more flooding her heart with feelings that are someone else's. someone not her. ]

Then what do you suggest we do? I don't want ...

[ her voice trails off, her lips pressing together thinly. she's terrified of facing these gods alone, protecting aether in the process. but it's even more terrifying to lose her own self, to be replaced without anyone knowing. it's a scary prospect looming over her. ]

Look, it's not what I want to do, either ... [ because she too can feel her heart breaking at the thought of having to be separated, unable to reconcile with the idea. ] But we have to try something.

[The man before her sits silent for a good moment or two. Try something. Like what? Stay away from each other until absolutely necessary, but what if something happens and he's not there to keep her safe, like yesterday? He shifts uncomfortably in his seat, even though he can feel thoughts rise in his mind that tell him not to do that. Don't leave her, that isn't what you want to do.

However, can he accept losing himself? He's not sure if he can do that either.]

I don't know...

[It's not a phrase he mutters often. Ajax usually has a plan, can come up with an idea to solve a problem, even if it took some time to do so. But in a situation he can't control, he feels as if he's left powerless. He can't imagine how Lumine must feel. She must be terrified, just as he is, at the thought of disappearing. Were they just always destined for this fate? He doesn't know.]

Maybe...

[No.]

...we should try to keep our distance. I know this must be frightening.

[Please don't do this.]

I don't know what else we can do. But you have my phone number, so if you need to call me in case something happens...

[His voice trails off, feeling his heart sink and his stomach get sick after he says it. As if he'd climbed on a boat going out to sea and he was getting seasick from the rocking waves, wishing he could go back but can't.]

[ his words sound and feel like a death toll to her heart, ringing loudly as it announces its execution. but lumine simply closes her eyes, drowning out all cries of despair and protestations with the pounding of her blood in her ears. she can feel the other lumine desperately fighting back, trying to overwhelm her once more but she digs her heels and holds her ground. it's happened once; it's not going to happen again, she thinks.

a moment later, she's looking back up at him, a blank expression on her face. lumine gives him a slight nod, swallowing the invisible lump down her throat. ]

Don't worry, I'll be fine.

[ she's gotten good at lying lately, at hiding things with a poker face. it seems a necessity, given their current circumstances, and it'll simply grow in its importance as she goes along. for the sake of protecting aether, then she has to do everything, even break her own heart.

admittedly, a part of her was afraid that he would insist otherwise. instead, he says the words she hasn't had the courage to say last time. ]

... I'm sorry it's come to this, but I think this is for the best for us.

[Ajax looks back at his food, his appetite completely gone from this conversation. Standing up, he finds his jacket that had been displaced at some point during their activities, scooping it up and slipping it on as he prepares to leave. He can barely bring himself to look at her, feeling as if someone had dropped a weight on his chest that crushes his heart and every vein in his body.

Nothing about this was fair. Nothing about this made him happy, and now he feels as if he has to walk out the door on the one person he feels as if he's ever really loved, and it felt suffocating.]

...Please continue to visit the statues, just in case. I don't want to read your obituary in the news, or hear that you or Aether have gone missing.

[Because he will find out, as information flows from ear to mouth to ear. As he finishes getting dressed, he stops in front of her, his eyes unable to hide the pain that tightens his chest before he speaks his last words.]

I guess...this is goodbye, then.

[ lumine remains seated, her gaze carefully kept onto a point on the wall. she can hear him shuffling around, but still, she keeps quiet and rifles through her thoughts, her list of things to do. it keeps her distracted for a moment, the voice in her head subdued and pushed back, stifled as she was when the spirit tried to take over her body.

keeping apart will make sure they stay as they are, and isn't that something that deeply matters for them? to be themselves, to live their own lives without anyone meddling. perhaps, in the long run, the gods would leave them alone if both childe and lumine have been supressed enough.

... wishful thinking, but who's to say it's not possible?

she briefly turns to look at him when he pauses in front of her. and there's that heavy, oppressive temptation to reach out to him. to touch his face, to intertwine their fingers, to embrace him and kiss him and cling to him. instead, she lowers her gaze, unable to meet his eyes.

she's caused this pain in him, after all. what right does she have to face him? ]

Yes, it is, [ she almost chokes out the words, breath catching in her throat. she inhales deeply. ] Goodbye, Ajax. Take care of yourself.

[Every part of him desperately wants to deny that this is real, that this is happening. His hand grips into the fabric of his pants, eyes closing tightly as he tries to compose himself. He's glad she's not looking at him in that moment, as he teeth grit to hold back the overwhelming sadness that wells in his chest.

His feet are like lead as he walks to the door, leaving without another word closing it silently behind him. The world outside of that hotel room seemed more grey than it had been just hours before, basked in the moonlight that he'd normally look up at and reminisce fondly about his family and his hometown. It's a hard walk back to his own hotel, barely sleeping a wink that night. The plane leaves a few days later- he still can't think of anything else but Lumine the entire way. It's almost as if he'd cut a piece of his own heart out, leaving a hole that only she could fill, and yet knowing that it would be missing that piece for as long as he wanted to stay himself.

What a cruel price to pay.]

-------

[A week goes by, and Ajax has busied himself with his own duties, but has been noticeably more somber in the office. He continues to keep people watching the twins, but doesn't do much outside of receive reports that they are safe and that no Dufont cronies seem to be pursuing them. It's the only thing that puts him at ease, knowing that they were safe for the time being. But a small amount of anxiety still plagues him, not knowing when that lull would finally end. In his offtime, he researches more on Celestia, trying to figure out their weaknesses and how they may work, but not much comes up.

It's one late afternoon when he finally gets a text from Aether, his phone lighting up. Here we go.]

[ aether knows there's something wrong from the moment he returns to the inn that evening. it isn't exactly strange for lumine to be caught up in her own work, but for his sister to be glued to her laptop and phone, a blank expression on her face the entire time, especially when they both agreed to spend time together for the duration of their stay in inazuma is just out of character. still, he says nothing about it, assuming that she's simply upset about the events prior.

he's upset about it, too: the gods, the spirit who tried to possess lumine, being scolded by whatever that was that took over ajax's body. but his twin sister seems to be taking it to a whole other level, even more so upon returning home. and seeing that he hasn't seen a single strand of ginger hair since that day ...

only an idiot wouldn't be able to put two and two together. and aether likes to think he's at least smarter than his twin sister or ajax in a lot of ways. ]

You and Lumi got into a fight, didn't you?

[ look, he can only think of a few reasons why lumine is currently drowning herself in work, coming home late and spending more time in the office, and skipping meals. he's only seen her a few times like this, and it's always because she's mad about something. ]

Man. If it's your fault, you should apologise.

We didn't have a fight at all. We just had to discuss some hard topics surrounding our special circumstances.

[Apologize, right...he's not even sure what he should be sorry for other than the fact that he can't see her anymore.]

It wasn't pleasant, but we did what we thought was best.

[ special circumstances, his ass. he doesn't have to hide anything from him, y'know. ]

Are you sure that what you did was for the best? Lumine sure doesn't look like she's at her best at the moment.

Believe me, I'm not either.

[It's the small amount of honesty he can afford Aether. He wishes he could explain. But he can't.]

There was some talk about how this is beginning to involve my family, how close it all got...she's worried, and I am too. We would have preferred it not come to this, but we had to try something.

[It wrenches his heart to even type it. That's what she'd said...they had to try something.]

[ ......................... he'd buy that if ajax's family is normal. but aether, of all people, knows that he doesn't just belong to a normal family. his family has always had enemies; this is nothing new for them. ]

Your family? When you guys have had it worse in the past?

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