insurmountable | i'm dragging a heart that weighs a ton / holding out for not just anyone

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i'm dragging a heart that weighs a ton / holding out for not just anyone

[Fontaine: The technological hub of Teyvat.

For as long as anyone can remember, the country of Fontaine has always been the innovative center for the continent. High speed rail was originated here, and now spans across the entirety of Teyvat and beyond. High rises and skyscrapers pepper the skyline, modern Victorian buildings supporting a gear-like aesthetic from an era gone by. A thousand years ago, it was a much different place, but now it thrives with the bright lights and bustle of its people. One can hear the occasional street performer playing for cash, as businessmen and tourists alike walk down narrow cobblestone streets. People are buried in their phones, some take pictures as they gawk at the sights of the city, but one young man in particular walks languidly down the street, enjoying the life around him. He's in no hurry to get where he's going, as he has plenty of time to get there, noting a deli across the street from where he is now that he'll have to try.

Unfortunately, he is on business, so that'll have to wait.

Never being one to be dressed completely formal, he wears a comfortable pair of slacks and dress shoes, with a collared shirt that isn't buttoned up all the way under a grey vest. Various pieces of metal are woven into the vest, notably a crest on his right shoulder with a chain attached to it that hangs under his arm to the back. On his belt lies a Vision, glowing blue with hydro. The young man always seems friendly and easy going, but what lies underneath is something that not many are allowed to know- the heir to the family business of a company who develops tech for various products is also the right hand man of the mafia that runs the city.

And, their true business behind the scenes; creating Delusions to sell on the black market.

Today is a day where some investigating has to be done, and he's headed to see an old friend of his, from university. One that he's sure can help him with this problem he has. Entering the building, he swings in quietly to give a polite wave and a smile to the only person there.

Someone who looked exactly like their brother, whom he can only assume is the twin sister he'd yet to meet that he'd heard about.]

Hello, I was wondering if Aether was in today? I had a...business proposal for him, and I'm sure that he'd love to hear it. Unless of course, you might be of assistance instead.

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[Then why would you ever think to leave him behind, he thinks, Ajax's eyes lowering as her hand presses to his cheek. It's not even his sorrow to feel, and yet, it still wells inside of him. Death is different than these circumstances, but he can still empathize with his Harbinger counterpart, the man who is very much him and yet not him all at the same time.]

Lumine, can you answer at least one question, then?

[He looks up, not knowing if he wants to hear the answer. But maybe, she'll surprise him.]

If you could go back and change your mind about this, and take him with you, had you lived of course, would you?

[ her smile fades at the corners, the answer he's waiting for lodged at the back of her throat. it's so easy, so simple to say yes, to alleviate and put to rest those feelings of unease. but that wouldn't be the complete and honest truth if she told him that, and she's certain ajax would continue to hurt in the long run. ]

If it were that easy, why wouldn't I?

[ because why wouldn't she, if she were given that option or choice? it isn't as if she hasn't considered it. she's even spoken about it with aether before they've gone off to fight the gods; her own twin brother knew what she had wanted to do, but he also knew better.

lumine shakes her head, letting out a quiet exhale and allowing her hand to drop from his cheek back to her side. ]

Childe, isn't it time for you to talk to me?

[It's obvious that there's more going on than just a decision she made, wondering if the sudden bubbling frustration that rises inside of him is valid. He can hazard a guess or two as to what went into the decision, and he wonders if Childe's anger and sadness are aimed in the wrong direction. But he supposes they'll both find out in a matter of minutes, the Harbinger brushing at the side of his mind to let him speak.]

Haha, [Ajax laughs, noting how Lumine seems to want to get this conversation started,] I've been holding him back the entire time. You know, it's not very fair to me that no one's asked me if I'm okay with this.

[He sets his arms akimbo, not seemingly ruffled by it anyhow. Look at these two, they're the ones taking advantage of him now, aren't they. But far be it from him to get in the middle of a possible lover's spat if that's what this turns out to be.

Ajax's eyes close, his body relaxing as he makes the switch, before they open once more. Hurt, confusion, and anger- all these are seen in Childe's eyes, though their intensity is far less than it had been a few days prior. He stays quiet for a few moments, before finally speaking.]

...Was I really to be left behind, after all was said and done?

[ lumine just chuckles and wait for ajax to switch out. her counterpart can deal with that later, as she's certain that she's not too happy either by this swap in consciousness. even if it's rather important for her—for them.

she gives childe a moment, peering at his expression, his emotions unmistakable. and a part of her feels guilty to have him go through this right now, after all this time. still, lumine doesn't reach out to touch him, knows that he'll just pull away until he's gotten the answers he needs to hear. ]

I was going to talk to you about it once everything was over.

[ it's just that they didn't get a chance to, not with the kind of fate they were all handed with. it's not his fault that he learned it this way. ]

But now that I think about it, perhaps I should've talked to you about it even sooner.

[Childe's eyes search her own as she speaks, but for what, he doesn't know. If she's being sincere, if she's telling him the truth, or if she's holding something back. He can feel the fire behind his own gaze, where usually he might be unreadable. But Childe feels no reason to hide exactly what he's feeling at the moment.]

It sounds to me like I was never going to have a choice or say in the matter anyway.

[Even saying those words burn him, and he almost regrets even wanting to speak with her now about it. But he does want an explanation, either way- and he waits patiently to let her do so.

[ what answer is she supposed to give him? what answer is he looking for from her? lumine's pretty sure that anything she tells him is simply going to sound like an excuse, but it isn't as if they're lies to deceive him. ]

What would you have me do? Teyvat is your home. Your family is here, your parents, your siblings ...

[ she can't imagine being apart from aether; what more him from the family who's always been his number one priority since meeting him in liyue? ]

Am I supposed to take you away from them? Are you telling me to force you to make that choice, to choose between me or them?

This is why you should have spoken to me long before making a decision without me.

[It's not that he doesn't understand, nor does he find her logic unreasonable. But his priorities lie in a certain order, and he will gladly lay them out again.]

To be able to travel to distant worlds, to fight new, towering opponents, and to experience it all with you...it would have been a dream come true.

[Childe sighs happily at the very idea, already able to imagine himself battling some kind of impossibly strong creature or person and having the time of his life. What a missed opportunity, if you ask him.]

I would be sad to leave them, that much is true. But my whole life was spent away from them for a good amount of time already, seeking another thrilling challenge while also serving the Tsaritsa, always testing my limits. That is, after all, why I stayed with the Fatui- to gain more experience and opportunities for combat. My family would want me to live out my dreams, and I was willing to chase them.

[He looks back at her earnestly, the corners of his eyes dropping, sadness filling them.]

It never would have been a forced choice. I wanted to go.

[ i wanted to go.

he says that right now but how long would it take until he starts regretting his decisions? how long until he starts cursing their fate? how long until he asks her to return to teyvat? eventually, the weariness will set in, the desire to settle somewhere, to seek normalcy and a life that's stable and ordinary. wasn't that why she and aether sought to find a new home, only to find it unwelcoming of them? ]

Wasn't it your dream, too, to have and build a family of your own? To have a wife and children, just like the way your parents had you and your brothers and sisters?

[ her hands close into fists, nails digging into her palms. lumine almost misses her gloves; nails don't cut through fabric so easily. ]

... That's something I can't give you. And that would also be a missed opportunity in itself if I let you leave Teyvat.

Don't you remember what I said?

[It was a long time ago. Childe hardly blames her for forgetting, if anything it may of seemed like a passing statement said by a younger man with wild ideas and goals in his head. But to him, that hasn't changed, and the prospect of greater and stronger enemies still drove his thirst for battle.

That won't ever go away, even if he settles down and has kids. He'll forever seek out stronger and stronger enemies until the day he dies.]

The end to my battles is only a mirage. "I was born to fight, and as long as I draw breath, there will be no end to my purpose." It went something like that, didn't it?

[He only smirks, knowing exactly what he'd said back then, and he still believes it.]

So even if you thought that was something you couldn't give me, it wouldn't of mattered in the end. The one thing I would have wanted is something I was already getting.

Edited (i forgot a whole ass word again) 2022-08-12 03:31 (UTC)

[ lumine lowers her gaze to the floor, closing her eyes. sometimes she wonders how she's ever won any arguments with him with the reasonings she throws back her way. but her tactic of shutting him down isn't going to work in this situation; it will only aggravate him and the situation further, and it's already clear that he's holding back whatever he truly wants to tell her.

she sighs under her breath, fighting the urge to pinch the bridge of her nose. again, the act would aggravate him and the situation further. ]

I love you, Childe. I really, really do, but sometimes ...

[ sometimes she just wants to tear her hair out and sit in a corner and stew in her feelings all day. but that can't happen right now; it can't ever happen. ]

I want to give everything to you. I want you to have the world, but you just ... [ lumine takes another deep breath, a sigh following in its wake. ] You're just so frustrating.

Edited 2022-08-12 04:10 (UTC)

I'm frustrating?

[He doesn't see how she's the one who gets to be frustrated here, when it was him that was getting the short end of the stick and he hadn't even known it. On top of it, there's still more answers he wants, and he'll hardly let her sink back into the subconsciousness of the current Lumine before he asks the questions that he wants.]

I'm the one who should be frustrated here. So now that I've finally gotten say my piece, it's my turn to ask you a few questions.

[He sets his arms akimbo, jaw set.]

Was there any other reason why you two were going to leave me behind? Perhaps, because, a certain brother would have preferred I wasn't around?

[As if he was unaware that Aether didn't like him with his sister. To Childe, that didn't matter- he could say a few things about him making an enemy of humanity for the selfish reason of trying to revive his kingdom. But he'll bite his tongue on that for now. It's not exactly relevant, even if the Harbinger distrusted him immensely because of it.]

[ lumine rolls her eyes, unable to hold herself back.

of course, he'd quickly jump to conclusion that her brother had a hand in it; it isn't as if she's unaware, either, that the both of them never got along. sure, they were civil with each other and tolerated one another, but she's not a blind idiot that she couldn't tell that there was clear tension between them both. a ticking time bomb, like what diluc had once told her. ]

Why are we even talking about Aether? He had no hand in the idea of leaving you behind.

[ not at all, though he was the one who raised the question during the conversation, who asked her what she's to do with the harbinger, who gave her the ultimate choice and decision. ]

That's what I wanted to know.

[Then he has no reason to be angry about that, wanting only to know if Aether had pushed her in that direction. If not, then there's no reason for his temper to rise, as he takes a breath to calm himself.]

Now, why was it that you didn't consult me in the first place? Was my opinion not wanted, or did you truly think you knew what was best for me over myself, making decisions on my behalf?

[That's another thing he doesn't appreciate. He's a big boy and can make his own decisions, and he doesn't want anyone else deciding for him what he can and can't do. Not in a case like this.]

[ there's a long pause on her end, her expression hardening as she averts her gaze away from childe and closes her eyes. now, this—this answer will certainly upset him; there's no doubt about it, especially with the reason she's given him. childe's never one to accept something that completely goes against his wishes, especially when it's forced against his will. ]

That's because there's no need for any consultations.

[ because what does he know about traveling through worlds? what does he know about the kind of things they have to deal with, they have to adjust to? the kind of danger they always put themselves in. ]

In the end, it would still be up to me and Aether.

[She's absolutely right in that assumption, that does make his temper spike and anger flashes across his features. It's a slap to the face, after all they'd been through together, to be told that. He only nods his head, standing up from the chair as he moves toward the doorway.]

So, it turns out, I never mattered to begin with, I see.

[That's what he's getting out of that answer. Childe doesn't even bother to look at her as he leaves the room, exiting and going downstairs to find a pair of sandals to go outside. Ajax tries to offer some kind of consolance, but the Harbinger needs some time to take a walk, keeping control of his body for now. He heads out towards the beach, to sit at the water's edge for a while, staring out at the conjured ocean of the tea pot.]

[ lumine remains standing in the study for a while longer, listening to his footsteps fade and the door slamming shut. there's no use stopping him or even following after him, certain that he's only going to lash out if she does; he needs time to cool his head, that much she knows. she only needs to wait for whatever decision he makes and accept it as her act of contrition.

still, she doesn't regret telling him that. not because she meant to hurt him, but because she doesn't want to lie to him. sure, it may have stung and it most likely cut deeper than what she intended, but that's still better than telling him an untruth.

a moment later, she surrenders the body back to her counterpart, settling once more deep into the recesses of her consciousness. lumine sighs under her breath in exasperation over this development, her eyes inwardly rolling, to the traveler's dismay. idiots, they're both idiots. and zhongli says she's a reincarnation of them? hilarious.

she slips on a pair of slippers as well, padding out onto the sandy portion of the teapot and walking towards the figure sitting near the edge of the water. ]

You've had your talk with her. Give Ajax back.

[Childe isn't done brooding, he wants at least an hour or two by himself. And yet, here she is, bugging him to give Ajax back his body. He doesn't want to hear it, from her or from his Lumine, not even giving her a glance as he continues to stare out at the water.]

You know, the last person I want to hear from right now is the one who has even less consideration for my feelings.

[He'll be the villain here, he doesn't care- even though Ajax is perfectly fine with this arrangement currently, he won't tell her that. He doesn't want to get the man in trouble with her again, so he'll just let her believe whatever she wants about Ajax's opinion of not being in control right now.]

Leave me alone. I need time to myself right now.

[ lumine's lips curve downward, her expression darkening at that remark. and it isn't even that she's offended by it in any way, or has taken it personally. no, because why should she be considerate towards those who's never had any consideration towards her own feelings, her own person? ironic how she has to hear that from him, of all people. ]

No, because this problem is between you and the other Lumine. Don't involve us in whatever spat you two have.

[ everything they've been experiencing, every circumstance they've landed in—it's always been them. even this current war they're fighting against unknown gods was a war that was unfinished and left behind by both of them. ]

All I heard you say in that argument was you, you, you. Your dream, your wish, your opportunities. [ words that her counterpart would never say to him. ] Lumine didn't exist to dispense you of these things. She didn't exist to grant you everything you wanted.

[ she can feel lumine tugging at her consciousness, pulling her back, unwilling to watch another argument start. ] If I were her, I'd leave you too in a heartbeat.

Edited 2022-08-14 15:39 (UTC)

[Childe cannot believe what he's hearing right now, and though he knows it's not his Lumine saying them, hearing it in her voice still stings. He doesn't even know where to start with a bite back, and he knows if he starts, he's not going to stop.]

I think you need to learn not to speak about matters you know little to nothing about. I didn't ask you for your opinion, I asked you to leave me be.

[He doesn't have to stay here and listen to her bicker at him, the teapot is big and he knows every nook and cranny of it. He picks himself up off of the sand, brushing it from his bottom as he continues to speak.]

And while you're at it, I suggest you try to grow as a person a little. You'd be amazed how beneficial it is. Perhaps you won't be so angry all the time as well. It does wonders for your health, and you'll find yourself getting less stressed.

[ and yet she understands it perfectly well, as much as she hates it. as much as she loathes to be burdened by such emotions: lumine's sadness, her grief, her despair. all buried beneath a placid expression that never wavers. after all, she's the famed traveler.

how her past counterpart had ever managed to live with such turmoil inside of her, lumine will never understand. ]

You never asked her, did you? How she felt when she had to make that decision? What was going through her head when she finally came to that conclusion?

[ she watches him get up from the ground, her voice turning into cold ice. and all the while, lumine tries to rein her in, hold her back; she knows that if her other self were there, she'd be holding onto her arm.

lumine— ]

... Of course, you didn't. You've always been hyperfocused on yourself when your feelings get hurt. [ she simply shrugs her past self off, turning her heel to walk back to the house. ] And if you think you'll have the chance to ask her yourself later, think again.

[The Harbinger won't miss the chance to bite back at her before she leaves.]

Interesting how you started this whole ordeal for the two of us, then you offer your unwanted thoughts on the matter, and now you refuse the opportunity for us to find resolution. This is why you need to do some soul searching.

[Childe won't address her previous statements- it's not as if Lumine hadn't made it known to him that it wasn't a decision she took lightly. Asking him about his family, feeling as if she'd be taking him away from them, he already knew how she felt. It was as plain as day to him. But he's still the one who got burned here, and what grief she put herself through could have been relieved a little if she'd just talked to him to begin with.

And though he is still upset, and will be for quite a while, he does believe that this fact is something Lumine already knows and has realized.

But since she's leaving it seems, he sits right back down on to face towards the ocean once more, closing his eyes to listen to the waves that lap up softly onto the sand, focusing on his breathing to calm himself.]

[ lumine snorts, rolling her eyes as she waves her hand in the air. ]

Oh, I've already given you the opportunity to find a resolution. It's not my fault you walked away from it just so you can sulk.

[ she's had enough possessions to last her an entire lifetime, and there's no one else who knows her feelings about that better than childe's own counterpart. the fact that she's still rejecting the part of him that's assimilated with childe should say as much. so if childe truly thinks he'd be able to speak to the other lumine once again, then he clearly needs to talk to ajax more.

the door slams behind her as she moves towards the bedroom. she did say she needs to pack additional clothes for aether, so she'll do just that before returning to her work in the study. ]

[It's not till a few hours later that Ajax enters the house, feeling down after the exchanges that had been made between Childe and the girls. It was too much, his eyes lowered to the floor as he heads back upstairs to where his laptop is in the study. He doesn't really look at or acknowledge her, sitting heavily in the chair once more, as he stares at the spreadsheet on the screen that he'd left open when he let Childe take over.

It's really hard to focus, giving up after ten minutes. The spreadsheet and the laptop get closed, sitting back in his chair. He just has to get his mind off of it, and he needs to run to his parent's house to drop Aether's things off. Maybe the drive will help, it'll give him his own time to think. He'd spent most of his time helping soothe Childe, offering another voice to work through questions and reasoning. Who better to do that than him- since he is Childe, able to offer a calmness that he's sure no one else could provide.

It's only now that he addresses Lumine, his expression unreadable as he talks.]

Hey, did you get the chance to get Aether's things together?

[ lumine's halfway through her paperwork when ajax finally returns, poring through the reports of the current losses and deficits of the company after the attack and the proposed contingency plan. it's help her a bit in clearing her head and settling her emotions, but that's always been the case with her since time immemorial. work is familiar, work is a routine. it's soothing to her, in a way that aether says is masochistic.

she doesn't even look up when he finally addresses her, her hand in the middle of signing the documents and sorting it out into different folders as her gaze moves across the pages. she only pauses to correct something on the paper before shuffling it into another folder. ]

It's in the backpack on the couch downstairs.

[ he can't miss it since it's the only thing sitting on the sofa. and she's made sure to leave it there, too, just in case he refuses to occupy the same room as her again. ]

[Work can definitely wait until tomorrow. Ajax knows he's not going to be able to get anything done today anyway, so he stands up, stretching his limbs a little. Really, after sitting down at the beach for so long, he wouldn't mind getting some exercise too.]

Thanks. I think I'll head out now to take him his things. My father may want to talk to me, and I want to hit the gym before I return. I might be a little late.

[So she definitely doesn't need to wait for him for dinner if she gets hungry. He's not going to want to cook by then anyhow.]

Do you want me to bring you back anything? I don't mind stopping somewhere if you're okay waiting.

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