insurmountable | i'm dragging a heart that weighs a ton / holding out for not just anyone

No, I don't want you to call me Childe. I don't want to think of myself as him. It's just...

[Ajax's hand comes up to push his hair up out of his face, holding his forehead in frustration. It's not that, but he can't explain it well at all. How in some aspects, he hasn't changed at all, either because it hasn't gotten to that point or because he and Childe are so much alike that there was no difference to begin with. That only small parts of the Harbinger have come through noticeably, but he'll refrain from telling her that- because it's upsetting, and it's already bad enough he's upset.

He doesn't want to upset her any more than he already has.]

When...I'm me, I see you. I can see the difference between yourself and your ancient counterpart, and I don't conflate the two. But sometimes, not always however, in intimate moments...it's as if both worlds blend together. I'm not sure if that makes sense.

[Ajax hopes she understands. He looks as upset as he sounds, not hiding how he feels about this. It's a reality that's shaken him to his core, and even now he's trying his best to be honest and yet supportive all at the same time.]

[ lumine falls silent in the aftermath of his words, her expression visibly hurt and confused and upset. but she holds her tongue anyway, trying to figure this all out. once again, there's that part of her urging her to simply give in, accept this reality that they have. the other lumine isn't going away, not when she's fully established herself inside of her. and she knows–she knows she doesn't mean to hurt her; it's not lumine's nature to do so.

but that existential dread remains deeply rooted within her, its tendrils wrapped around her heart. she doesn't lose what she has, who she is. otherwise she shouldn't have lived at all. ]

... Will it help if we don't see each other?

[ lumine can feel herself being torn apart as she says those words, as if two halves of her fighting for and against the idea. but if it's as what he says, if it only happens during moments they're together— ]

Maybe if we keep away from each other, then things would go back to how they were. And that would be for the best, wouldn't it? ... For us.

[As he looks up, the hurt in his eyes is palpable at the thought of not seeing her anymore. If there was anything in this world he'd rather avoid if at all possible, it was to lose her. He'd let himself be taken to save her, just the day before, if that told him anything about himself- and that was his decision to make, not Childe's.

The words repeat in his mind. No. He doesn't want that. No. He can't. No.]

I can't stand the thought of not being able to see you again.

[Spoken in a dreadful, painful whisper. As if he may stop breathing if he was barred from being with her. Ajax had never intended this conversation to end with a confession on his end, but he'd put it out there, so why hide it. But still- even though he knows she's right, it might be a way to keep this process from stopping. But what of Yae's advice? What of what Lumine and Childe had said? Even if they don't see each other anymore, can they really stop the process of becoming one with them?]

...And I don't think that's possible anyhow. We're still being hunted. It would be far too easy for them to pick us off apart.

[Because he still can't deny that truth, either. He feels stuck, like there's nothing he can do but walk this path set before him.]

[ lumine flinches, not from his very honest admission but from the way he says it. an invisible hand squeezes her heart tightly inside her chest, making her work hard for its every beat. it's not fair, she thinks, how he can easily say those words. it's not fair to her.

and her entire being agrees with him. the thought of not seeing him again is torture, a kind of torment she shouldn't have to go through. but lumine wants to ask herself if those emotions, such a sentiment comes from the other lumine herself, once more flooding her heart with feelings that are someone else's. someone not her. ]

Then what do you suggest we do? I don't want ...

[ her voice trails off, her lips pressing together thinly. she's terrified of facing these gods alone, protecting aether in the process. but it's even more terrifying to lose her own self, to be replaced without anyone knowing. it's a scary prospect looming over her. ]

Look, it's not what I want to do, either ... [ because she too can feel her heart breaking at the thought of having to be separated, unable to reconcile with the idea. ] But we have to try something.

[The man before her sits silent for a good moment or two. Try something. Like what? Stay away from each other until absolutely necessary, but what if something happens and he's not there to keep her safe, like yesterday? He shifts uncomfortably in his seat, even though he can feel thoughts rise in his mind that tell him not to do that. Don't leave her, that isn't what you want to do.

However, can he accept losing himself? He's not sure if he can do that either.]

I don't know...

[It's not a phrase he mutters often. Ajax usually has a plan, can come up with an idea to solve a problem, even if it took some time to do so. But in a situation he can't control, he feels as if he's left powerless. He can't imagine how Lumine must feel. She must be terrified, just as he is, at the thought of disappearing. Were they just always destined for this fate? He doesn't know.]

Maybe...

[No.]

...we should try to keep our distance. I know this must be frightening.

[Please don't do this.]

I don't know what else we can do. But you have my phone number, so if you need to call me in case something happens...

[His voice trails off, feeling his heart sink and his stomach get sick after he says it. As if he'd climbed on a boat going out to sea and he was getting seasick from the rocking waves, wishing he could go back but can't.]

[ his words sound and feel like a death toll to her heart, ringing loudly as it announces its execution. but lumine simply closes her eyes, drowning out all cries of despair and protestations with the pounding of her blood in her ears. she can feel the other lumine desperately fighting back, trying to overwhelm her once more but she digs her heels and holds her ground. it's happened once; it's not going to happen again, she thinks.

a moment later, she's looking back up at him, a blank expression on her face. lumine gives him a slight nod, swallowing the invisible lump down her throat. ]

Don't worry, I'll be fine.

[ she's gotten good at lying lately, at hiding things with a poker face. it seems a necessity, given their current circumstances, and it'll simply grow in its importance as she goes along. for the sake of protecting aether, then she has to do everything, even break her own heart.

admittedly, a part of her was afraid that he would insist otherwise. instead, he says the words she hasn't had the courage to say last time. ]

... I'm sorry it's come to this, but I think this is for the best for us.

[Ajax looks back at his food, his appetite completely gone from this conversation. Standing up, he finds his jacket that had been displaced at some point during their activities, scooping it up and slipping it on as he prepares to leave. He can barely bring himself to look at her, feeling as if someone had dropped a weight on his chest that crushes his heart and every vein in his body.

Nothing about this was fair. Nothing about this made him happy, and now he feels as if he has to walk out the door on the one person he feels as if he's ever really loved, and it felt suffocating.]

...Please continue to visit the statues, just in case. I don't want to read your obituary in the news, or hear that you or Aether have gone missing.

[Because he will find out, as information flows from ear to mouth to ear. As he finishes getting dressed, he stops in front of her, his eyes unable to hide the pain that tightens his chest before he speaks his last words.]

I guess...this is goodbye, then.

[ lumine remains seated, her gaze carefully kept onto a point on the wall. she can hear him shuffling around, but still, she keeps quiet and rifles through her thoughts, her list of things to do. it keeps her distracted for a moment, the voice in her head subdued and pushed back, stifled as she was when the spirit tried to take over her body.

keeping apart will make sure they stay as they are, and isn't that something that deeply matters for them? to be themselves, to live their own lives without anyone meddling. perhaps, in the long run, the gods would leave them alone if both childe and lumine have been supressed enough.

... wishful thinking, but who's to say it's not possible?

she briefly turns to look at him when he pauses in front of her. and there's that heavy, oppressive temptation to reach out to him. to touch his face, to intertwine their fingers, to embrace him and kiss him and cling to him. instead, she lowers her gaze, unable to meet his eyes.

she's caused this pain in him, after all. what right does she have to face him? ]

Yes, it is, [ she almost chokes out the words, breath catching in her throat. she inhales deeply. ] Goodbye, Ajax. Take care of yourself.

[Every part of him desperately wants to deny that this is real, that this is happening. His hand grips into the fabric of his pants, eyes closing tightly as he tries to compose himself. He's glad she's not looking at him in that moment, as he teeth grit to hold back the overwhelming sadness that wells in his chest.

His feet are like lead as he walks to the door, leaving without another word closing it silently behind him. The world outside of that hotel room seemed more grey than it had been just hours before, basked in the moonlight that he'd normally look up at and reminisce fondly about his family and his hometown. It's a hard walk back to his own hotel, barely sleeping a wink that night. The plane leaves a few days later- he still can't think of anything else but Lumine the entire way. It's almost as if he'd cut a piece of his own heart out, leaving a hole that only she could fill, and yet knowing that it would be missing that piece for as long as he wanted to stay himself.

What a cruel price to pay.]

-------

[A week goes by, and Ajax has busied himself with his own duties, but has been noticeably more somber in the office. He continues to keep people watching the twins, but doesn't do much outside of receive reports that they are safe and that no Dufont cronies seem to be pursuing them. It's the only thing that puts him at ease, knowing that they were safe for the time being. But a small amount of anxiety still plagues him, not knowing when that lull would finally end. In his offtime, he researches more on Celestia, trying to figure out their weaknesses and how they may work, but not much comes up.

It's one late afternoon when he finally gets a text from Aether, his phone lighting up. Here we go.]

[ aether knows there's something wrong from the moment he returns to the inn that evening. it isn't exactly strange for lumine to be caught up in her own work, but for his sister to be glued to her laptop and phone, a blank expression on her face the entire time, especially when they both agreed to spend time together for the duration of their stay in inazuma is just out of character. still, he says nothing about it, assuming that she's simply upset about the events prior.

he's upset about it, too: the gods, the spirit who tried to possess lumine, being scolded by whatever that was that took over ajax's body. but his twin sister seems to be taking it to a whole other level, even more so upon returning home. and seeing that he hasn't seen a single strand of ginger hair since that day ...

only an idiot wouldn't be able to put two and two together. and aether likes to think he's at least smarter than his twin sister or ajax in a lot of ways. ]

You and Lumi got into a fight, didn't you?

[ look, he can only think of a few reasons why lumine is currently drowning herself in work, coming home late and spending more time in the office, and skipping meals. he's only seen her a few times like this, and it's always because she's mad about something. ]

Man. If it's your fault, you should apologise.

We didn't have a fight at all. We just had to discuss some hard topics surrounding our special circumstances.

[Apologize, right...he's not even sure what he should be sorry for other than the fact that he can't see her anymore.]

It wasn't pleasant, but we did what we thought was best.

[ special circumstances, his ass. he doesn't have to hide anything from him, y'know. ]

Are you sure that what you did was for the best? Lumine sure doesn't look like she's at her best at the moment.

Believe me, I'm not either.

[It's the small amount of honesty he can afford Aether. He wishes he could explain. But he can't.]

There was some talk about how this is beginning to involve my family, how close it all got...she's worried, and I am too. We would have preferred it not come to this, but we had to try something.

[It wrenches his heart to even type it. That's what she'd said...they had to try something.]

[ ......................... he'd buy that if ajax's family is normal. but aether, of all people, knows that he doesn't just belong to a normal family. his family has always had enemies; this is nothing new for them. ]

Your family? When you guys have had it worse in the past?

We've never dealt with ancient gods before, Aether.

[Ancient gods and fragments of the past that live inside of them. He runs his hand through his hair again. There may be no way of pacifying his friend, and honestly? He can't blame Aether at all.]

This whole thing became a mess. It might be easier to hide if we're not together. I insisted on being there with you in Inazuma, and look what happened. They nearly got all of us.

[It's such a bullshit excuse and he knows it. He knows it's not good to be apart, especially in a time like this. But what can he do?]

There's only been a handful of times in the past where I've seen Lumine like this.

She skips meals, she sleeps for a few hours, she overloads herself with work, she spends more hours in the office than at home, she also doesn't talk to me that much anymore. The last time I saw her like this, she made a tiny mistake that almost cost the entire company.

[ honestly, he feels helpless as a brother to see his twin sister like this. there's nothing he could say because he doesn't know what to say. there's nothing he could do because he doesn't know what to do. ]

I'd normally blame you, but I'm sure Lumi had a hand in it, too. You two might want to rethink this "best" idea that you both had.

[He sits quietly with his phone in his hand for several minutes, thinking. He had no idea she was taking this so badly, but then again, he's not taking it well himself. Feelings rush back into him as strongly as they did when he'd said goodbye, his whole body beginning to ache with how badly he missed her. But he's not even sure if Lumine would even go for a different plan, given how stubborn she can be.]

Maybe you're right. I'm sorry Aether. Maybe we can come up with something else, if she'll speak to me about it.

[ there's nothing but radio silence right after that. no texts, no calls, nothing. it's not the first time aether's gone silent on him in the middle of a conversation, and it's not going to be the last either. or at least, that's what ajax can assume.

instead, his phone rings a few hours later, aether's name flashing on his screen. but it's not his voice that greets him but lumine's, reminiscent of that one time she rang him weeks ago after an attack. ]

Ajax, where's Aether!

[ her voice sounds hoarse as if she's been shouting for the past several minutes, panicked and terrified. ]

[The frantic voice on the other side of the line throws him, not expecting it to be Lumine. Why is she calling him from Aether's phone? What happened? His anxiety spikes, somehow already knowing the answer.]

I-I don't know, he's gone?

[He had reports from his guys that everything was in the clear.]

I just got a text a few minutes ago from one of my guys that everything looked good. Lumine, tell me what happened. Are you sure he didn't just step out?

[Ajax is trying to keep his voice level and calm, but his heart races. Did they manage to get in and grab Aether?]

[ she doesn't reply immediately, heavy footsteps responding to his questions as she runs all over the apartment, calling for her twin brother. more loud noises follow in its wake as if lumine is currently turning the apartment inside out. maybe, just maybe, he's managed to hide somewhere, waited until whoever it was who came here to leave.

but lumine finds no trace of her brother, and she quickly returns to the phone call, completely out of breath and in tears. ]

What looked good, the outside of the building? Because the apartment sure doesn't look anything but!

[ glass broken everywhere, paper scattered all over the floor, and there's a dark stain on the rug in the living room that looks suspiciously like blood. she doesn't dare check it, afraid of what it might confirm. but it's clear to her that there was an altercation that had happened some time before she arrived home. ]

I asked you to protect Aether personally!

Okay, okay. Hold on.

[She's crying, this can't be good. He's already jumping to some of the more terrible of conclusions, given the circumstances. Did they really get in and grab Aether so easily? Without any of his guys knowing? He's got to think.

Think Ajax, think.]

Okay. Stay there, I'll be there soon. I'm leaving right now, and I'll have people guarding the entrances and exits, okay? I need to see what's happened.

[Anything that'll tell him what and where Aether might of gone to. He rushes out the door, phone still in hand to jump in his car, tearing out of his driveway toward the twin's apartment.

He can only hope for the best...but the sinking feeling in his stomach tells him that he's only going to find the worst case scenario here.]

Edited 2022-06-22 18:15 (UTC)

[ lumine also needs to calm down, but it's hard to calm down in these circumstances. was it because she stayed longer in the office today? if she had gone home with aether, would she have been able to prevent this? thoughts of various possibilities cross her mind, each one worse than the last. she falls on her knees on the floor, trembling. ]

This is my fault. I should've gone home with him ...

[ she almost lets out a dry sob, pressing the back of her hand over her mouth to muffle it. what if he's in danger? what if they've hurt him? the stain on the carpet is very telling. ]

I can't forgive myself if something happens to him.

[It tugs at his heart to hear her like this. Ajax's voice is calm and soft, to reassure her, to try to give some comfort. It won't be long before he's there, but right now, he'll do his best to be there for her.]

No it's not. It's not your fault at all. We're going to find your brother, okay? Don't blame yourself for this, Lumine.

[She doesn't deserve to go through this. None of them do. He can feel his temper rise at the thought of those goons grabbing Aether, not knowing what they did to him. He'd kill them, he swears it.]

It's them. They're the ones who did this.

[ his words bring her little comfort, knowing what they're up against and what the predecessors' fates were.

aether's especially, since she's kept him in the dark for the most part and it's only recently that he found out what's going. and even then, what he knows is limited. he doesn't even have the original powers he had, relying solely on his vision and nothing else. if anything were to happen to him ... if he was, in any way, in trouble ...

whenever ajax shows up, he'll find her on her knees on the floor, shaking and crying, aether's phone cradled in her hands. she's been calling several people, asking them if they've seen her brother or if he's with them. but no dice, they all tell her no. ]

Mm, okay ... [ she says to the other person on the line, clearing her throat to sound calm. ] I'll let you know soon if I find him ...

[He steps into the apartment through the already open door, and the sight of it is distressing. Broken glass, signs of a struggle, a patch of blood on the floor. Plants tossed about. There's no doubt that this is the work of the Dufonts, because who else would break into some tech dude's apartment and kidnap him. It makes him sick on the inside to see it, and his heart drops like a rock when he sees her on the floor.

Ajax crosses the room quickly to her, dropping down on his knees and pulling her into his arms for a tight hug the moment she's off the phone.]

Lumine.

[His voice is worried, and yet relieved to see her safe. He squeezes his eyes shut, taking a deep breath. It was the longest week of his life, and now to see her like this- it was enough to tear him apart. But he can't let that ruin him, Aether is gone, and he has to work quickly to find him before they get too far.]

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