insurmountable | i'm dragging a heart that weighs a ton / holding out for not just anyone

[ somewhere that's hard to break into? she supposes that that's important, given the circumstances they're currently in. but then, lumine's never exactly put high-tech security systems in her own apartment, knowing that she's not as high profile as her twin brother; there was no use for it before. ]

My apartment, I suppose?

[ at the very least, no one can get to her apartment unless she's okayed it with the front desk. because truth be told, there's nowhere else she can go to unless camping at the office becomes a thing.

with a tired sigh: ] I'll let you know if there are any developments ...

Hey...

[If her apartment is going to be safe, then that's fine. But he's still concerned. Aether got snapped up while he was home alone. He doesn't want that to happen to her too.]

Those goons came in from the roof, knowing he was probably home alone. I really don't want that to happen to you too.

[He knows he's suggesting something that she probably isn't going to like, given their prior agreement. But Aether's words still ring in his head a little bit. It's not working.]

Let me stay with you until we get him home. I don't want you to be alone right now.

[Picking them off one by one. This is exactly what he was afraid of, and he hates that he's right. He should of known better, he shouldn't of agreed to separate from her. Now Aether's been captured, and this might of been avoided.]

[ there's a long moment of silence after that suggestion, lumine simply sitting there without a single word leaving her lips. she can feel tears prickle at the corner of her eyes again, a sob threatening to bubble up her throat, as her mind wavers. something that she's pushed back, kept at the very back of her mind, is starting to creep in, slowly but surely, tendrils of it wrapping around her heart. ]

Ajax, [ she sighs, forcing out the words before something—anything can hold her tongue. ] You know that that's a bad idea, right?

[ even now, she's been fighting the temptation to give in, to go over wherever he is and accept this. and he's making it difficult for her that very moment. lumine leans back in her seat, squeezing her eyes shut. ]

I'll be fine ...

But what if you won't be?

[It's a simple question, loaded with a lot of consequences. He knows what might be the end result, but is it really worth it right now? With their enemies hot on their trail, and already having captured one of them, is this really the time to worry about that?]

I don't care about that right now. If they get to you while you're alone, and you die, then what was it all for anyway?

[His tone of voice is stressed, hard to keep it measured now when he thinks on it too hard. It's as if his whole body tensed up, eyes darting back and forth as he says it, not ready to take no for an answer. He can't let it happen to her too. He can't.]

[ her hand hurts. with her nails digging into her palm, any harder, and she'll break skin and have injuries that the police will no doubt question her about. but it's the only way she can keep herself composed, keep her sanity from fraying and reined in. and yet, ajax continues to try and knock down whatever defences she's made, forcefully, deliberately.

another heavy sigh leaves her lips as she holds back a dry sob, keeping her eyes closed. she can feel the other lumine pleading, asking her to do this for everyone's sake. not just hers, but aether's too. ]

Why do you always make things difficult for me?

[ complicated, stressful, unpleasant. the experience with ajax is consistent all through out, her heart seemingly on the verge of exploding every time. ]

Hahaha...

[It's the first time he's laughed in a week, a quiet chuckle that comes up from his core. She certainly isn't wrong, things have been very hard for her since the moment he walked into her life, but whether that was entirely his fault or not is a different matter entirely.]

I couldn't say. Maybe that's how it was always meant to be.

[The line goes quiet for a moment, while he settles himself, pushes his anxiety down, and tries to focus.]

So I'll follow you there? We can discuss details later once we get inside. It's been a rough day.

[ her heart skips a beat at that laughter and lumine finds herself helplessly longing for that sound. she almost hates herself now for being so easily swayed to this, just from hearing his voice, listening to his laugh. it convinces her even more that this is not her, that this is the other lumine pining for childe and it's influencing her own feelings.

in any case, she tosses the phone in the passenger seat and puts the car on drive, pulling out of the parking lot. ]

Will you ever stop? [ she says with a quiet sigh. ] It's really not helping me in any way. It's not helping us ...

[ has he already accepted his fate? the possibility of childe taking over him? she still hasn't, still clings to the idea of staying herself as herself. there's nothing else she wants more. ]

Even right now, hearing your voice ...

Lumine...

[He pulls his car forward to where he can see her pull out, falling in line behind her as he follows her to her apartment. He's silent for a moment, understanding how this is affecting her, even scaring her- but at the same time, he can't shake how futile this effort is if the gods chasing them get their wish and eliminate them. Ajax has managed to set his own fear of losing himself to the side, and he too feels Childe's pull. But he still doesn't know if that's him or the Harbinger.

When you become one, what really happens? He wishes he knew. Ajax finds himself agreeing with Childe; maybe they should of told them.]

If living on and fighting against these so-called gods versus the alternative means having to become one with Childe, then I'd do it a thousand times over if it kept you safe.

[The sigh is heavy and stressed from the other side of the line. He can feel his thoughts swirl, that tightness in his chest coming back as he listens to her speak. He's not sure if it matters anymore if it's him or Childe who longs so badly for her presence in his life. It doesn't feel as if it's going to go away anytime soon.]

I don't feel like I can stop, because if anything happened to you, I wouldn't know what to do with myself. You mean far too much to me, no matter if it's me or him or the both of us that feel that way.

[Plus there's Aether to think about too, but he doesn't say that. She knows. It's not another burden he has to put on her right now, especially in the aftermath of finding him gone. He's got to find him.]

[ what is she supposed to say to that, really? what does he want her to say?

lumine stops at a red light, letting her emotions even out so she can focus on driving. a part of her applauds his confidence and courage in facing such an unknown, in admitting that perhaps he doesn't mind if childe were to eventually take over him. he had his reasons, after all, people to protect which includes her. ]

What you're willing to lose for my sake is too much, [ she says quietly after a long while, letting out a sigh once more.

she's tired. everything about this is exhausting her on top of aether and the state of their apartment. would it have been better if she had not called ajax? would she have saved him the trouble? ]

I don't want that.

[A sad smile crosses his features. He knew she'd never want him to do such a thing, given her reaction to how he'd let himself get possessed to save her and her brother. Though he can't deny to himself that he'd do it anyway, even if it is selfish.

But Ajax is a selfish man, even when he's being selfless. It's a talent all unto himself.]

I know you don't approve, but that's who I've always been. The people close to me matter far more than my own safety, they always have been and they always will be. It might be easier on you if you let me do as I please, haha.

[Since that's how it's always been, too. When has Ajax not been able to do what he wants? Very rarely, as no one truly reigns him in. Perhaps his father, on occasion, when things need to get done when dealing with their opposition. But past that he lives a free life.]

[ is it easier, she wonders? a part of her thinks—no, knows that it isn't and it won't be. she'll never stop thinking about it even if she lets him, never stop disapproving and feeling dismayed over it. like now, when he's laughing at it, making it seem like it's no big deal when it is. taking things in stride without a care—yes, that's always been him.

her fingers momentarily tighten around the steering wheel, nails leaving indents into the leather, before she relaxes her hands again and turns around an intersection. ]

If you really cared, if I really mattered to you, then you wouldn't let me worry about this, idiot.

[ worry about him, is what she wants to say. but who knows how much his ego would inflate from those words alone. she'd rather not throw more fuel into that already raging inferno. ]

Hahahaha, as if our lives could ever be so easy. We were burdened with this before we even started.

[Worrying about each other, worrying about Aether, worrying about how to get through this ordeal- is there really anything they don't have to worry about? To him, his choice is the lesser of all those evils, and it's the only one he's willing to concede on.]

I know I'm asking a lot, but just let yourself have a little more faith in my abilities. And perhaps we should have a little more faith in Lumine and Childe, too. They did say that they would be there to parry any danger, and to help us when we need them. I've no reason to doubt them.

[ lumine says nothing more, pulling into the basement parking of her apartment and finding an empty spot somewhere close.

honestly, though, she doesn't know if she can or she wants to trust her counterpart. like sure, lumine's quite capable and so is childe, having had so much more experience over them, but the past few weeks haven't been too kind on her. the way lumine's trying to coax her into assimilating, taking over when she sees fit, has been uncomfortable, unsettling. the way she seems to twist her feelings so it reflects her own, blurring the lines between ajax and childe—it feels invasive, terrifying.

in any case, she picks up aether's phone and her purse from the car seat, walking towards the elevator and waiting for ajax right outside. maybe if they had explained it to them, maybe if they had said something, she would've considered it. but as it stands ... it's too risky for the both of them. and losing one for the other's sake just doesn't sit with her well. ]

[Ajax joins her shortly, hanging the phone up when they drive down into the underground parking and climbing out of his car. The silence had been deafening, feeling as if he'd said something wrong. He probably had, it was more than likely something she didn't want to hear or accept. He was confident that even with their circumstances, they'd pull out ahead at the end anyway- they always have to this point, and he knew the journey ahead was only going to get harder.

It's hard, to try to trust an entity that lives inside of him, coming forth to the surface every once in a while. But Ajax has always been someone who's very self aware, and there's something about this that puts him at ease with Childe- that they really aren't that different from each other. Maybe he can ask him himself, since he's inside...or maybe he'll sound like he's losing his mind. As if the Harbinger could speak when he's in control.

He sighs to himself at his own thoughts, before joining her at her side.]

Hey, if I upset you, I really didn't mean to. I was just speaking my mind, and I may not of been careful with my words.

[ lumine questions herself again why she let this happen. why she'd called him instead of someone else, why the first person who came to her mind was him.

was it because of their agreement to not see each other? a quick and painless way to circumvent it? she presses a hand against half of her face, closing her eyes as they step inside the elevator and she swipes in her card on the terminal. only a week, and she feels she's turned pathetic all because of a guy. ]

I know.

[ his words never meant to hurt or upset her. they never have ever since she's first met him. that's simply how he is, something she's started to accept—and started to erase from her mind.

still, that doesn't make it less acceptable to her. none of it is. ]

My sentiment on the matter still stands, though.

[The smile on his face remains, tugging at the corners of his mouth as he looks to her, but his eyes tell a different story. Sadness paints them, as they did not but a week ago when they'd said goodbye. The dark ocean that resides in them reflect a longing for a different outcome, something that could let them still be together and not have to worry so much about what may be a loss of self.]

I know.

[He steps into the elevator with her when it opens, leaning up against the back wall while he quickly takes his phone out to check it. No news yet, and he shoots off a few texts before returning it to his pocket.]

...Your brother texted me about that, you know. How you'd been overworking yourself, not eating much and not speaking to him since last week.

[Ajax's eyes wander back to her, a little worried. He didn't like to hear that it was causing her that much stress. Even he'd managed to eat and take care of himself a little, even if he was emotionally wrecked on the inside.]

[ ugh, aether.

if her brother was around, she'd shake him violently for betraying her. her own twin brother, revealing these things to unrelated people when it should only be kept between the both of them. sometimes, she wonders if he's really on her side.

lumine avoids looking at him through the chrome surface of the elevator doors, focusing her gaze instead on lcd panel showing the floor number. ]

That's pretty normal for me when I'm busy. [ it's not a lie. there are times when she and aether don't have time to talk to each other because there's just a lot of things to do. ] He's just overreacting after what happened last week.

[ which also makes sense as an excuse, seeing that it's aether's first time to hear about their being-chased-by-gods issue. ]

[Ajax notices how she's purposely not looking at him, leaning over to put himself in her peripheral, still looking concerned. He's not buying that excuse, since Aether had already ratted her out to him. This must be similar treatment to what he got too, Lumine trying to brush him off like nothing's wrong. As if it were normal, and yet he knows that that isn't the case.]

He also said that he hasn't seen you like this since you accidentally did something that almost cost the entire company. So, I'm not buying your story.

[Ajax won't take that for an answer, because he finds it hard to believe that she also didn't suffer one of the worst weeks of their lives. Underneath all of the callousness and the walls she constructs, he knows she cares for him- and that's enough that he won't let up.]

[ honestly, aether, why are you like this.

lumine keeps her lips pressed together once more, letting silence fill in the response to his remark, unwilling to address or entertain it. instead, she waits until the elevator arrives on her floor, ducking out and onto the hallway leading to her apartment while rummaging through her purse for the keys. ]

You don't have to buy it if you don't want to, [ she says, feeling breathless all of a sudden as she pushes her door open. ] I didn't say it to sell it to you. I'm just saying that that's how it normally is.

[ not that she makes costly mistakes, but that she's usually busy and has no time for anything else but work. work allows her to focus, to divert her attention elsewhere. ]

[Following closely behind, he laughs to himself. Nothing to say for a bit there, did she. He notes that Aether's assertion must have been correct, that she'd had a terrible week. As they enter her apartment, he looks around it a little as he takes his shoes off, noting the decor and how nice it looked.]

Well, no matter what you say, he said whatever we were doing isn't working. He wanted me to apologize to you, too.

[If it was his fault, which is partially was. He did agree with this whole plan, but he wonders if Aether is right. They can't really keep doing this, can they? Especially now with what's happened? He crosses over to her, reaching to take her hand.]

And, the more I consider it, I think he's right. So, I'm sorry for being an idiot. I should have never suggested that we be apart. That was a mistake.

[ lumine can feel exhaustion seep into her bones the moment she steps into her apartment, toeing off her shoes and dropping the keys into a crystal bowl near the door. but she doesn't even know if she'll be able to sleep tonight, her mind a complete and utter mess of thoughts and worries, about aether and his possible predicament. she doesn't even want to argue further with ajax, unwilling to get into a long conversation with him over their own circumstances.

she's said her piece, declared her intentions. that's it. she doesn't know what else she wants from her. but as usual, he knows what to say to chip at the walls she's created, break down all the defences she's erected. ]

Don't be stupid, [ lumine sighs as she stops in her tracks, his hand keeping her rooted to the spot. she could easily break free and pull her hand away. ] I was the one who suggested it first.

[ and he was the one who protested first. he was the one who tried to change her mind, but failed, his hand forced by her. he shouldn't be apologising to her. at least, not for that. ]

No need to say sorry.

Haha, but I did anyway.

[Softly smiling back, Ajax steps in, coming to wrap his arms around her. A strong, yet gentle embrace, one he'd yearned for since they'd been separated. Not the one shared in Aether's apartment, when she'd been hoarse from yelling for her brother and scared to death in the aftermath of his kidnapping, but one that they could share. Just for themselves.

A memory bubbles to the surface, of a phrase he'd said a lifetime ago, but still lives and abides by to this day. It's a wonder how the parallels between his life and Childe's seem to mirror each other, even if they were different circumstances, in a different era. Ajax doesn't seem to mind this one, dipping his head down over hers.]

If you make a promise, you keep it. If you make a mistake, you apologize. And if you give someone a dream, you defend it until the end. I made a promise to you two that I'd keep you safe, right? So that you guys could have a dream of always having each other till the end. So I think that rethinking and reconsidering our options is important.

[ her breath catches in her throat when he pulls her into a hug, time seemingly stopping for the both of them. there's a part of her that wants to take a step back and remind him what's currently happening, that wishes to be upset and mad at him. but there's another part of her that simply wants to sink in against him and stay in his arms forever.

lumine doesn't say anything for a long while, her hands simply curling on his chest in a gesture that seems to push him away. but she doesn't, simply leaning her head against his shoulder as if finally giving up. ]

You broke that promise, though ...

[ that he'd keep them safe, that he'd ensure they'd be together. now, aether's gone, taken away by archons-knows-what, and they have no idea where he is. ]

What happened to keeping promises? Making sure Aether's safe?

[He begins to rub her back, her words like lances through him, but he knows that he needs to take responsibility for this. It hurts, knowing that it was ripping her apart inside to not know if Aether was okay or not, that she might even still be blaming herself a little bit for what's happened. For moment, he wishes he could go back to before this had upended their lives, but then...he wouldn't of gotten to meet her either, and he can't imagine a life without her.]

I did. I'm sorry for that too.

[He takes a deep breath, shoulders wracked with stress as they rise and fall despite trying to relax his muscles.]

I'll fix it, [he begins, voice earnest and somber.] Can we figure this out together from now on? No more trying to go on our own. It's not...

[Ajax's eyes close, wandering back to their concerns, their deepest fears about this, and thinking that there must be a way to cut through it without having to put themselves through this.]

...it's not working. And we have to find something that works.

[ there are still so many things lumine wants to hurl his way, misplaced accusations because there's no one else to blame. it's easy to point fingers, to take the burden off of her shoulders, but what would that do? it won't bring back aether to her, and it won't make her feel less awful, less guilty. she's to blame in this; her brother had seen the signs, tried to help her but she refused.

besides, she can tell that ajax is just as much perturbed as she is, no doubt blaming himself just like her. but what hand does he have in this when all she's done is force him? ]

Mm.

[ she too closes her eyes as she leans against him, fingers slightly closing around the front of his shirt. she doesn't what will work for them, doesn't want to think what they'll have to do. because what's the alternate to this? ]

... But what if what happened last time happens again? I don't ...

[ the traveler continues to coax her, gently but surely, to cave in, pushing at the boundaries she's set. it's nothing forceful, nothing demanding. if anything, it lulls her sometimes to a sense of complacency. ]

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject