insurmountable | i'm dragging a heart that weighs a ton / holding out for not just anyone

[Your Lumine.

Childe only seems to laugh sheepishly at the remark, shaking his head and waving his hand.]

It's not like that, haha. This isn't some ploy to draw her out so I can speak with her again, if that's what you think. If anything, we owe both of you an apology for what happened last time.

[He pats the spot on the bed next to him, inviting her to sit back down, a soft smile on his expression. Earnest, sincere- the same as how Ajax might present himself as well. Except now it's Childe, and he has nothing to hide from her anymore. They've gone far to deep into this to act like he has to keep secrets from her.]

We both got a little carried away. And it upset you both so much that you decided to separate. That's when I realized that we need to be more respectful of your autonomy. And that's why I asked him this time, because I don't want to put him or yourself in that position again. Unless it's to save your lives, which thankfully Ajax has been able to do just fine on his own. With a little help from me, of course.

[He smiles proudly, his ego not allowing for him to not take any credit here. He did help with the transformation after all.]

[ they're both impertinent, aren't they?

there's really that reminder that this is childe she's facing, and even ajax's cheekiness has nothing on the harbinger, based on the memories lumine's shown her. and a part of her feels conflicted about it, the fact that she's losing track of where ajax ends and where childe starts. or has the line between them completely blurred? ]

Was it your power that injured him to this extent?

[ she's seen the bandages under his shirt, peeking from underneath the fabric every now and then. it's just that lumine's never said anything about, uncertain what to say.

despite his invitation, she simply folds her arms across her chest, declining his gesture to sit back down. ]

You should've stopped him.

Heh...

[Childe's hand goes up behind his head, looking guilty as charged, scratching his nape through his hair. He should of seen this coming, and he hopes she's not going to be too mad at him about it. She isn't wrong, save that it's not his power...it's their power, for now, until they become one.]

Hey, it's his power too now. I just have the strength to control it better than he does. I helped him with that, you know. But... [he guesses he should just be straight with her. Definitely something he learned from dealing with Lumine when she looked at him like that too.]

It was a combination of the burden of the transformation and how badly the god was beating him. You have to understand, though I live inside of Ajax, our connection to each other to bring out his real strength is still quite weak. If he'd stop fighting me so much, he might of walked out of that situation in a little better shape. Besides...

[He looks at her pleadingly, as if to ask her not to be cross with him over Ajax's injuries.]

You know I couldn't stop him. If I were him, I would have made the exact same decision in that moment. Neither Ajax nor I would ever let you die, and if he hadn't used the Foul Legacy Transformation, you might not be with us right now.

[ if this is his way of trying to convince her that what's happening to ajax is good, it's not working. if anything, lumine looks even more dissatisfied by the way he explains it, especially when he points out ajax's decisions during the battle with the god several days ago. ]

Lumine would never want you to sacrifice yourself for her ...

[ and for once, it's a sentiment she shares with her counterpart. to see them get hurt, to see them have to endure such suffering for them—they don't want it. even back then, when childe died to save her, she knows how devastated the traveler was.

she could feel her emotions, sharp and anguished, lance through her more painfully than the injuries she suffered. ]

You have no idea the kind of despair she felt when she saw you die that day.

[Childe falls silent for a moment, because while he doesn't know how Lumine felt in the aftermath of his death, he can imagine it. It's not like he doesn't know her, doesn't know how she felt about it or had never discussed it with her. And he now knows that she hadn't survived the ordeal, which was like a gut punch when he'd learned of it through a conversation Ajax and Lumine had had months ago.]

...I don't, it's true. But how could I ever live with myself knowing that I did nothing while that god tried to kill her? What of the despair I would feel living with that? I could never allow it. I love her, how could you or anyone else possibly expect me to stand to the side?

[And yet he still failed, and that haunts him even now. Childe pushes those sorrowful thoughts away, burying them deep down within himself so it doesn't bother him, so it doesn't dull his blade.]

We knew going into that fight that death may be a possibility. We had to win, Lumine, at any cost. And to my suspicions, it seems that we didn't finish the job, since you two still have to deal with those so-called gods to this day, who wish to rule this world under their thumb.

[But that's just more battles he gets to fight, as far as he's concerned. How lucky he is that he has a second chance to finish them off for good this time. The sea of endless battle truly exists for him, and he couldn't be happier.]

[ she sees the expression that crosses his face, the same one he's seen on ajax a few days ago, and a part of her almost falls apart. now she knows that that's childe—or a part of him—that she was looking at days ago, the light in his eyes having faded away. she remembers his words to her, understood what he wanted to tell her about it, but it doesn't mean that she willingly accepts it. accepts this as his fate, as their fate.

lumine's hands close into fists, her lips pressing together thinly as he tells her how they failed to finish the job. how it's now haunting them like a ghost. ]

When this is all over, will you give him back to me?

[ she's always assumed that this has started for a reason. the visions, the memories—it's all because of an unfinished job they left behind after they died and they're now mopping it clean. and childe saying that seems to put some weight into that theory. ]

After we've finished off the gods, will you finally leave us alone? You and Lumine.

[A small bit of worry wears on his face- he doesn't quite know how to explain this to her in any reassuring way. But it's not like he won't try, but he won't lie to her either. It's as he'd said to Lumine back in Inazuma, that maybe they should have told them. He'll do his best.]

It's...not that simple. This process, it can't be stopped, only slowed down.

[One day, they would become one with each other. It would happen and there's not much anyone can do to stop it.]

At least that's the way I understand it. We're new to this too, so we only have a relative idea of how this all works. But...I suppose you might want to look at this a different way. It's not so much that I'll give him back to you, it's more like...he's always been here with you, and always will be, even now. When this is over, I'm...not going to be completely myself anymore. Childe, the Eleventh Harbinger of the Fatui will cease to exist, and all that will be left is Ajax Volkov from here on out.

[Childe is sincere in his explanation, though he doesn't expect her to completely believe him. It's very much the opposite of what both of them thought would happen. But he smiles back at her reassuringly.]

It'll be the same for you too. You two are the ones that will carry on as we merge with you. Sorry that we can't entirely grant your wish as you've asked it, but in a sense, there will come a time where there will no longer be two consciousness in the same body.

[ lumine doesn't see any reason why childe would lie to her, and yet she still refuses to believe that. to say that, in the end, they'll be the ones to carry on—she shakes her head, unable to somehow reconcile that in her mind. after all, despite the incident having happened weeks ago, inazuma was still fresh in her memories, the way she and ajax lost their agency to both lumine and childe. ]

But he also won't be completely Ajax, either ...

[ and she's seeing the traces of those changes, changes that even ajax is aware of and tries to placate her over. from the looks of it to her, it seems as if ajax is the one disappearing, replaced by childe.

that, in itself, is unacceptable. after all, this is their life, their own person. why should they lose any part of them all because of a botched-up job a thousand years ago? that's the part that she doesn't understand. why them, just because they look like each other? ]

He's slowly changing, I can see it. Turning into you ...

[Childe sighs, as if to confirm her statement. He knows she doesn't like this. He grips the walking stick, trying to sit up a little more, his eyes squeezing shut with the pain of moving. Maybe getting up isn't such a good idea, so he dashes that thought away.]

I guess I can't really deny that. I too, have noticed that he's been taking on aspects of myself, the more we merge. But there's a reason for that, you know. He's not turning into me, per say, he's just...becoming whole again.

[Childe doesn't look away from her, because this is the truth and he feels as if she needs to hear it, even if he knows she'll just deny it. It's not up to him whether she accepts it or not anyway. But at least they'll have the information rather than being left in the dark wondering what would happen next. Uncertainty won't help them.]

Because he's me. We're the same person, just as you and Lumine are also the same person. Surely you noticed that last we spoke? It was no coincidence. All we are is the final puzzle pieces to that hole that exists in each of your souls. We've been trying to fill it since the day we were able to enter into you, so the two of you can regain your true strength. You can thank Lady Guuji for bringing that little part to Ajax's attention. It's been bugging him ever since.

[Poking her finger in there like that...that's just like her. What a lady. He'll never forget the day he met her for the first time, teasing them, being a general nuisance. He still likes her all the same, despite it.]

Anyway, you don't have to believe me. Maybe asking someone else, a third party you could say, to confirm whether or not what I'm saying is true might be in order. The one I'm speaking of is in one of the pictures downstairs. You'll probably know who I mean when you see him.

[His eyes flash, knowing full well there's a picture of Zhongli with Lumine downstairs. Morax would tell her, if she was direct with him. And knowing Lumine, she would be.]

[ his words don't really answer any questions. if anything, it only raises more, many of which lumine can't even try to figure out in her head. but the fact that he says it to her with so much confidence, even telling her to find another person to confirm it to, makes her wonder if he's really telling the truth; after all, why would childe lie to her?

of course, she has a couple of answers to that, starting with occupying their bodies and taking over their lives. but ajax had told her that he thought otherwise, that he didn't think that that's the case as to why childe and lumine are even around.

in any case, she says nothing else to that, her expression turning impassive. ]

... If he becomes whole again, like what you said, will it heal his wounds quicker?

[ childe had mentioned that doing so would give them their full strength. and if, at full strength, ajax will be able to return to normal, then she won't really stop him from allowing childe to merge with him. after all, it's his body, not hers. at the end of the day as well, it's his call to do whatever he wants. ]

Ahaaa...

[Childe only gives her a nervous look. He's seen that same face on Lumine before, wondering exactly what she was thinking. Sometimes, he can't read the traveler when she's like this, so he only smiles back.]

...No, not his current wounds, at least. But in the future, a fight like that, for example, won't break him down nearly as much as it did this time. And he'll be able to hold the transformation longer, too. He'll be far more prepared for the next time you clash with Celestia.

[That might not be exactly what she wants to hear, but he can't offer anything better at the moment. Changing his mind, he feels like he's done sitting, taking a deep breath once more and using the walking stick to hoist himself upward onto his feet, groaning with the effort.]

Hm, my...ngh...I didn't realize it was this bad. I don't think I've ever gotten this hurt fighting using the Foul Legacy Transformation.

[He hobbles over to a table, opening the drawer in it and taking out some papers that he knew were there. They'd grown yellow in the ages since, coming back to sit on the bed and resting.]

But comrade, I would suggest you look at your relationship with Lumine a little differently as well. You'll be surprised at what you'll be capable of if you allow this to come to its natural conclusion. But that's just my advice.

Edited (OMG I JUST NOTICED A TYPO) 2022-07-11 18:37 (UTC)

[ her eyes follow his movements, still rooted on the spot where she's standing. she didn't rummage through the room's contents, so she's not entirely sure what it was he grabbed from one of the drawers. but then, lumine doesn't really care; she doubts it has anything to do with her. ]

And I'm well within my rights not to heed the advice, right?

[ after all, she's never been good at following other people's advice, especially when it has something to do with herself. and she's not about to start now either, not when it's related to her own body and autonomy.

in any case, lumine doesn't think there's anything else they need to talk about. she's heard what she needed to hear and she's also indulged ajax's request. she lets her arms unfold and fall against her sides. ]

Anyway, I'm leaving. You can tell Ajax to find me once you're done with whatever you need to do in this room.

Don't worry, he already knows.

[Childe glances down momentarily to the letters in his hand, a pang of sadness hitting him as he looks down at the handwriting. Tonia's, clearly, even if the ink has faded over time. But he's sure that even after his death, herself and his other siblings had fine lives afterwards. He still hopes that they too, became warriors like him, especially Teucer.

But he looks back to her before she leaves, eyes reflecting a sort of amusement and happiness despite how she's spoken to him in this short amount of time. He doesn't find her all that much different than Lumine, just subtle differences that reflected the different life experiences they had. He's sure she's noticed the same between himself and Ajax, and he finds her carefully hidden concern for him cute.

She's always wanted to make sure that others were taken care of before herself. He's glad to see that hasn't changed.]

Haha, You were always the more stubborn one between the two of us, comrade.

[He says as he finally looks down to bury himself in the letters, carefully reading each one like he'd never seen it before, missing his family and thinking of them as he does so.]

[ lumine doesn't look back at that comment, heading straight towards the staircase and the living room. aether isn't back yet, no doubt still brooding somewhere in the teapot, and she's tempted to look for him. but a part of her knows that her brother will look for her when he's finally ready to look for her, not before.

that's always how it's been between the two of them, and that's always how it will be.

she exits the house and walks toward the beach, stretching her arms above her head. tubby's snoozing inside her own little teapot, the sound she's making seemingly content and happy, and lumine wonders if it's because she thinks the owner of the teapot has finally returned.

... the other lumine is the true owner, though, she thinks. and despite what childe tells her, she's not her. perhaps she'll have to gently speak to tubby about that.

stepping out of her shoes and walking barefoot on the sand, lumine starts following the shore away from the house. ]

[Childe takes his time reading the letters, walking slowly about the house and taking in the feel of it. It felt nice, to be back here, all these years later. He glances at the pictures on the wall downstairs, memories of friends and the fights he'd started during their little get-togethers and how fond he found them pop back up to the forefront of his mind.

That was a long time ago. Childe doesn't dwell too long on it, moving around the rest of the house before he goes outside to get the view of the sunset far off in the distance. It's just as beautiful as he remembers, sighing with content as the sun slowly dips down under the horizon. He spots Lumine down the beach a ways, chuckling to himself when he sees her. Childe gives her one last look before he closes his eyes, taking a deep breath.]

Thanks. Getting to see this all again was quite the treat. I have a feeling she's not going to be too happy with you though, so good luck. Don't worry too much though. She'll come around eventually.

[Ajax opens his eyes again, feeling Childe sink back into the back of his mind. Sighing, he starts his own trek down the beach, being careful as his stick sinks into the sand threatening to throw him off balance. He waves to her once he finally gets close, smile bright.]

Hey! [He calls to her, waving a hand in greeting.] It's a little cliche, but I didn't know you were the type to enjoy long walks on the beach, haha.

[ there are no tides in this place, no changing seasons or even the passing of time. to lumine, it feels like a realm that's frozen in place while the entire world goes with their life. she supposes that, in a way, this would make for a good shelter from the conflict happening in their lives at the moment.

but she doesn't get to contemplate it at the moment, pausing in her tracks when she hears her name. she turns around to find ajax waving at her, walking unsteadily towards her with his stick—or at least, she thinks it's ajax.

yes, it's definitely him. she doesn't think childe would be this chipper to greet her, not after their conversation. ]

Is he gone? [ she asks him, glancing down at her feet when the water washes over them. ] I thought he'd stay a little longer to look around the place.

[ what did he want anyway? even her counterpart isn't pushy enough to ask her to see the teapot. ]

He's gone.

[Well, sort of. It's not as if he isn't sitting right there, always with Ajax wherever he goes. He glances out at the sunset again, before returning his gaze to her. It's a very serene moment here, and Ajax can't say that he doesn't appreciate it.]

I think he was more concerned about the real treasure to him in the house, being those letters he took out of the drawer. They were from his family. I didn't realize how sentimental he was about things like that.

[Ajax reaches out to take her hand, to begin to walk back down the beach towards the house again, if she'll even let him take her hand to begin with. He's not sure if she's upset with him for letting Childe be here, given how cold she had been towards the Harbinger during his brief stay.]

Are you mad at him? At Childe.

[He'd told her a lot of things he's sure she didn't want to hear. If anything Ajax got the impression she didn't even want to be near the guy, partially because of himself, he thinks. She's been protective of him in regards to his other self, and while he thought that was sweet, at the same time he's not sure if that's helping them right now.]

[ lumine's instinct is to pull her hand away when he reaches out, clasping it around her arm instead. her gaze shifts away from ajax back to the water as she follows him towards the house once more.

honestly, there's no reason for her to be upset about it—to be upset towards him. it's his body, and he can decide whatever he wants to do with it. at the end of the day, it's his call if he wishes to allow childe to merge with him or whatever. and any changes with him are his to deal with. ]

No, I'm not.

[ and without another word or explanation, she quickens her pace, moving past him. maybe it was a bad idea to stay here, after all. and while she knows that their presence seemingly soothes the adeptus in the teapot, lumine doesn't know if she should even be here. ]

[He lets his hand drop back to his side, not surprised that she's pulled away from him like this. So she's not upset with Childe, she's upset with either him or both of them. But given the new details on the matter, he can't blame her. That was a lot to process, and he's sure she's not accepting of any of it.

He's not entirely sure if he's accepted it all either, but Ajax knows he's far more open to it than she is. Especially know that he knows it'll be easier for him to fight if he goes along with it.]

Lumine...

[He watches her pull ahead of him, not being able to keep up due to his injuries. Sighing, he wonders what he could possibly say now to reassure her. This one just...might take time.]

Listen, I know you're upset because you're afraid you're going to lose me. And I admit I have changed a little, but it's only changes that were built upon something that already existed. Will you believe me?

[Ajax tries to speed his pace up, but it doesn't work out for him, the sand acting like a sea of molasses that makes his step unsteady in his condition.]

And will you slow down a little? I can't keep up.

[ lumine stops in her tracks and turns around to look at him, her expression impatient as she waits for him to catch up. it was probably a mistake to tell childe to have ajax look for her, deciding that she doesn't want to discuss this with him after all. she could probably try to deflect it, but she knows ajax well enough by now. ]

I'm not afraid of anything, [ she tells him with a sigh, once more looking away. ] If you want to merge or combine with Childe, that's up to you. It's your body, your autonomy. You get to decide on what to do with it.

[ if he changes, then he changes. will she be upset about it? sure, maybe. but what can she do? she can't control him or force his hand; that wouldn't be too different from childe. ]

I don't think there's anything else we need to talk about that.

[He hears her words, understands them, but he doesn't quite buy it. If that was the case, she wouldn't be walking away from him so quickly, acting so coldly towards Childe. He sighs, eyes softening as he asks the rhetorical question:]

Are you saying that to reassure me, or yourself?

[Finally catching up to her, he slows himself to let his sore muscles rest a little, stick sinking into the sand as he rests against it. Maybe coming out here wasn't a great idea for his body, but at least he's alive to be able to do it.]

Why don't we head back for now. I'm admittedly getting a little hungry, and I still need to return your brother's vision to him. I managed to find it in a stroke of luck during my fight with that god. I'm sure he'll be delighted to have it back. We can figure out sleeping arrangements, too. It'll give us something to do, take our mind off things.

[ her lips thin at the remark but she says nothing in response, turning her gaze back to the house.

he's right, they should probably look for aether—or she should probably look for aether and speak to him. about the teapot, about their past, about the other person living inside of her. if only she could be as detached as her twin brother from the events, not at all remembering his own past or history, then she'd be free from all of this.

lumine walks wordlessly next to him, only pulling ahead once they've reached the front door and walking towards tubby to ask where her twin brother is. a moment later, she's walking barefoot through the garden around the back in search of aether through the foliage, whom she eventually finds sitting next to a tanuki statue. ]

Ae ...

[ on aether's other side seems to be a cryo slime, peacefully snoozing. despite this, her brother doesn't seem to be bothered by the chill, his own eyes momentarily closed.

... who keeps a cryo slime in their own backyard? he snorts, looking up at her. ]

The previous owner of the house, apparently. It's a convenient air-conditioner, isn't it? [ she takes a seat next to him, leaning her head on his shoulder. ] Hungry? Let's have dinner.

[He watches Lumine go, before he has a question for Tubby himself. Was any of the food in the house okay to use, and if he cooked something, if it would be safe to eat. The adeptus nods, as she's made sure to keep food in the teapot, but only that of liyuean ingredients. But that's fine by him, he's sure he can whip up something out of that, but first things first.

Ajax follows to the back, peeking around the corner of the house to see the twins resting with each other, and his eyes widen for a moment at the slime- but then soften again with recognition. They really did bring the cryo slime back with them, he can't believe it. Guess it decided to behave after all, and he idly wonders if its been lonely the last thousand years.]

Hey you two, Tubby said she stocked the kitchen with ingredients so I'm going to whip something up. Got a preference?

[Hobbling over to them, he takes Aether's vision out of his pocket, handing it to him.]

Oh, and, I think you dropped this, [he says with a wink.] I managed to find it before I fled the warehouse. Keep the delusions though, they're a good backup just in case.

[ lumine once more falls silent when ajax approaches them, burying her face against aether's shoulder. her brother, on the other hand, shifts to receive the vision that's been taken from him, finally feeling relieved that it's been returned. it's always felt like something's missing in him when it was taken, the sensation like a hole in his own being.

thanks, he replies with a smile before he glances down at lumine, finally noticing that something's wrong. aether pulls his sister closer to him, a hand coming up to rest against her head and smooth her hair. he can ask her what's wrong later, especially when she seemed to be excited about showing him the place around.

... anything will do. i think everyone's hungry and won't be too picky today.

once ajax has left, lumine lifts her head just a bit, her chin resting on his shoulder. the cryo slime too stirs from its little nap, bouncing over to lumine as if recognising her.

something's wrong, isn't there? ]

[Ajax leaves, entering the house and moving to the kitchen to leave the two of them alone for a while. He figures that's for the best, since Lumine has barely been out of the hospital and they haven't really had a chance to talk about anything that's occurred this week.

And he knows she can't really look at him for the time being, given how she hid her face from him just now. He sighs- this has gotten far too complicated, and he'll need some time to contemplate it all. So instead, he busies himself in the kitchen, his muscles feeling a little better now that he's moving them around, but still careful with his leg and chest.

The meal he prepares is a simple one, a Snezhnayan borscht recipe that he's spiced up with the additional liyuean ingredients available. He's never made spicy borscht before, but there's a first time for everything. He hopes that they like it, in addition to baking some potatoes for the three of them to eat, putting chives, sour cream and butter on the side for them.

The meal, he figures, should give the two of them plenty of time to spend time with each other, and it's not until about around an hour later that he pops his head back out to the garden.]

Hey, dinner's ready. I made you guys something from my homeland, but I tried going for a liyuean style of it. I think it tastes alright. Come on, before it gets cold.

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