insurmountable | i'm dragging a heart that weighs a ton / holding out for not just anyone

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i'm dragging a heart that weighs a ton / holding out for not just anyone

[Fontaine: The technological hub of Teyvat.

For as long as anyone can remember, the country of Fontaine has always been the innovative center for the continent. High speed rail was originated here, and now spans across the entirety of Teyvat and beyond. High rises and skyscrapers pepper the skyline, modern Victorian buildings supporting a gear-like aesthetic from an era gone by. A thousand years ago, it was a much different place, but now it thrives with the bright lights and bustle of its people. One can hear the occasional street performer playing for cash, as businessmen and tourists alike walk down narrow cobblestone streets. People are buried in their phones, some take pictures as they gawk at the sights of the city, but one young man in particular walks languidly down the street, enjoying the life around him. He's in no hurry to get where he's going, as he has plenty of time to get there, noting a deli across the street from where he is now that he'll have to try.

Unfortunately, he is on business, so that'll have to wait.

Never being one to be dressed completely formal, he wears a comfortable pair of slacks and dress shoes, with a collared shirt that isn't buttoned up all the way under a grey vest. Various pieces of metal are woven into the vest, notably a crest on his right shoulder with a chain attached to it that hangs under his arm to the back. On his belt lies a Vision, glowing blue with hydro. The young man always seems friendly and easy going, but what lies underneath is something that not many are allowed to know- the heir to the family business of a company who develops tech for various products is also the right hand man of the mafia that runs the city.

And, their true business behind the scenes; creating Delusions to sell on the black market.

Today is a day where some investigating has to be done, and he's headed to see an old friend of his, from university. One that he's sure can help him with this problem he has. Entering the building, he swings in quietly to give a polite wave and a smile to the only person there.

Someone who looked exactly like their brother, whom he can only assume is the twin sister he'd yet to meet that he'd heard about.]

Hello, I was wondering if Aether was in today? I had a...business proposal for him, and I'm sure that he'd love to hear it. Unless of course, you might be of assistance instead.

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[She's absolutely right in that assumption, that does make his temper spike and anger flashes across his features. It's a slap to the face, after all they'd been through together, to be told that. He only nods his head, standing up from the chair as he moves toward the doorway.]

So, it turns out, I never mattered to begin with, I see.

[That's what he's getting out of that answer. Childe doesn't even bother to look at her as he leaves the room, exiting and going downstairs to find a pair of sandals to go outside. Ajax tries to offer some kind of consolance, but the Harbinger needs some time to take a walk, keeping control of his body for now. He heads out towards the beach, to sit at the water's edge for a while, staring out at the conjured ocean of the tea pot.]

[ lumine remains standing in the study for a while longer, listening to his footsteps fade and the door slamming shut. there's no use stopping him or even following after him, certain that he's only going to lash out if she does; he needs time to cool his head, that much she knows. she only needs to wait for whatever decision he makes and accept it as her act of contrition.

still, she doesn't regret telling him that. not because she meant to hurt him, but because she doesn't want to lie to him. sure, it may have stung and it most likely cut deeper than what she intended, but that's still better than telling him an untruth.

a moment later, she surrenders the body back to her counterpart, settling once more deep into the recesses of her consciousness. lumine sighs under her breath in exasperation over this development, her eyes inwardly rolling, to the traveler's dismay. idiots, they're both idiots. and zhongli says she's a reincarnation of them? hilarious.

she slips on a pair of slippers as well, padding out onto the sandy portion of the teapot and walking towards the figure sitting near the edge of the water. ]

You've had your talk with her. Give Ajax back.

[Childe isn't done brooding, he wants at least an hour or two by himself. And yet, here she is, bugging him to give Ajax back his body. He doesn't want to hear it, from her or from his Lumine, not even giving her a glance as he continues to stare out at the water.]

You know, the last person I want to hear from right now is the one who has even less consideration for my feelings.

[He'll be the villain here, he doesn't care- even though Ajax is perfectly fine with this arrangement currently, he won't tell her that. He doesn't want to get the man in trouble with her again, so he'll just let her believe whatever she wants about Ajax's opinion of not being in control right now.]

Leave me alone. I need time to myself right now.

[ lumine's lips curve downward, her expression darkening at that remark. and it isn't even that she's offended by it in any way, or has taken it personally. no, because why should she be considerate towards those who's never had any consideration towards her own feelings, her own person? ironic how she has to hear that from him, of all people. ]

No, because this problem is between you and the other Lumine. Don't involve us in whatever spat you two have.

[ everything they've been experiencing, every circumstance they've landed in—it's always been them. even this current war they're fighting against unknown gods was a war that was unfinished and left behind by both of them. ]

All I heard you say in that argument was you, you, you. Your dream, your wish, your opportunities. [ words that her counterpart would never say to him. ] Lumine didn't exist to dispense you of these things. She didn't exist to grant you everything you wanted.

[ she can feel lumine tugging at her consciousness, pulling her back, unwilling to watch another argument start. ] If I were her, I'd leave you too in a heartbeat.

Edited 2022-08-14 15:39 (UTC)

[Childe cannot believe what he's hearing right now, and though he knows it's not his Lumine saying them, hearing it in her voice still stings. He doesn't even know where to start with a bite back, and he knows if he starts, he's not going to stop.]

I think you need to learn not to speak about matters you know little to nothing about. I didn't ask you for your opinion, I asked you to leave me be.

[He doesn't have to stay here and listen to her bicker at him, the teapot is big and he knows every nook and cranny of it. He picks himself up off of the sand, brushing it from his bottom as he continues to speak.]

And while you're at it, I suggest you try to grow as a person a little. You'd be amazed how beneficial it is. Perhaps you won't be so angry all the time as well. It does wonders for your health, and you'll find yourself getting less stressed.

[ and yet she understands it perfectly well, as much as she hates it. as much as she loathes to be burdened by such emotions: lumine's sadness, her grief, her despair. all buried beneath a placid expression that never wavers. after all, she's the famed traveler.

how her past counterpart had ever managed to live with such turmoil inside of her, lumine will never understand. ]

You never asked her, did you? How she felt when she had to make that decision? What was going through her head when she finally came to that conclusion?

[ she watches him get up from the ground, her voice turning into cold ice. and all the while, lumine tries to rein her in, hold her back; she knows that if her other self were there, she'd be holding onto her arm.

lumine— ]

... Of course, you didn't. You've always been hyperfocused on yourself when your feelings get hurt. [ she simply shrugs her past self off, turning her heel to walk back to the house. ] And if you think you'll have the chance to ask her yourself later, think again.

[The Harbinger won't miss the chance to bite back at her before she leaves.]

Interesting how you started this whole ordeal for the two of us, then you offer your unwanted thoughts on the matter, and now you refuse the opportunity for us to find resolution. This is why you need to do some soul searching.

[Childe won't address her previous statements- it's not as if Lumine hadn't made it known to him that it wasn't a decision she took lightly. Asking him about his family, feeling as if she'd be taking him away from them, he already knew how she felt. It was as plain as day to him. But he's still the one who got burned here, and what grief she put herself through could have been relieved a little if she'd just talked to him to begin with.

And though he is still upset, and will be for quite a while, he does believe that this fact is something Lumine already knows and has realized.

But since she's leaving it seems, he sits right back down on to face towards the ocean once more, closing his eyes to listen to the waves that lap up softly onto the sand, focusing on his breathing to calm himself.]

[ lumine snorts, rolling her eyes as she waves her hand in the air. ]

Oh, I've already given you the opportunity to find a resolution. It's not my fault you walked away from it just so you can sulk.

[ she's had enough possessions to last her an entire lifetime, and there's no one else who knows her feelings about that better than childe's own counterpart. the fact that she's still rejecting the part of him that's assimilated with childe should say as much. so if childe truly thinks he'd be able to speak to the other lumine once again, then he clearly needs to talk to ajax more.

the door slams behind her as she moves towards the bedroom. she did say she needs to pack additional clothes for aether, so she'll do just that before returning to her work in the study. ]

[It's not till a few hours later that Ajax enters the house, feeling down after the exchanges that had been made between Childe and the girls. It was too much, his eyes lowered to the floor as he heads back upstairs to where his laptop is in the study. He doesn't really look at or acknowledge her, sitting heavily in the chair once more, as he stares at the spreadsheet on the screen that he'd left open when he let Childe take over.

It's really hard to focus, giving up after ten minutes. The spreadsheet and the laptop get closed, sitting back in his chair. He just has to get his mind off of it, and he needs to run to his parent's house to drop Aether's things off. Maybe the drive will help, it'll give him his own time to think. He'd spent most of his time helping soothe Childe, offering another voice to work through questions and reasoning. Who better to do that than him- since he is Childe, able to offer a calmness that he's sure no one else could provide.

It's only now that he addresses Lumine, his expression unreadable as he talks.]

Hey, did you get the chance to get Aether's things together?

[ lumine's halfway through her paperwork when ajax finally returns, poring through the reports of the current losses and deficits of the company after the attack and the proposed contingency plan. it's help her a bit in clearing her head and settling her emotions, but that's always been the case with her since time immemorial. work is familiar, work is a routine. it's soothing to her, in a way that aether says is masochistic.

she doesn't even look up when he finally addresses her, her hand in the middle of signing the documents and sorting it out into different folders as her gaze moves across the pages. she only pauses to correct something on the paper before shuffling it into another folder. ]

It's in the backpack on the couch downstairs.

[ he can't miss it since it's the only thing sitting on the sofa. and she's made sure to leave it there, too, just in case he refuses to occupy the same room as her again. ]

[Work can definitely wait until tomorrow. Ajax knows he's not going to be able to get anything done today anyway, so he stands up, stretching his limbs a little. Really, after sitting down at the beach for so long, he wouldn't mind getting some exercise too.]

Thanks. I think I'll head out now to take him his things. My father may want to talk to me, and I want to hit the gym before I return. I might be a little late.

[So she definitely doesn't need to wait for him for dinner if she gets hungry. He's not going to want to cook by then anyhow.]

Do you want me to bring you back anything? I don't mind stopping somewhere if you're okay waiting.

[ that gets lumine to finally look up, her hand stopping in its movement of shuffling the papers around. there's a moment when she looks as if she's about to say something, her lips parting just a little before she presses them together to a thin line, keeping herself from pursuing such thoughts. easier to do, and there's no point anyway. ]

No, [ is all she says before she resumes her work, her gaze falling back down to her preoccupation. ] I'll be fine, thanks.

[ if she gets hungry—and that's a rather big "if" now that she's preoccupied with work—she can make her own food. and if she can't find something she wants to eat, there's no reason why she can't go out of the teapot and grab something to eat somewhere nearby. he doesn't need to bother, really.

the scratching of her pen fills in the silence for a few moments before lumine speaks up again. ]

Tell Aether to come back soon.

I'll make sure to tell him.

[Ajax wonders how life has been for Aether, trying to go through all that code, dealing with his parents. At least they like Aether, so it's not as if he's an unwelcome presence in their household. He hopes his siblings have left him alone to work, there's no way Teucer and Anthon didn't try to get Aether to come play with them. And his mother being his...mother. At least he's getting a lot of home cooked, traditional Snezhnayan meals. A part of him is a bit jealous.

Leaving the room, he quickly packs a small gym bag for himself, heading downstairs to pick up the backpack on the couch and heading out of the teapot to his parent's. As he'd said, he returns late after dropping it off and working out, the drive and the exercise helping him to get his mind off of the events of the day.

But he needs a shower, slipping into the bathroom and taking one, the hot water relaxing him. He's just going to take a long shower for now...]

[ lumine's dozed off by the time he comes back, except she's passed out in the study, her head resting on her arms on the desk. there's a cup of coffee next to her and what looks like untouched toast on a plate, something that she's picked up downstairs from the kitchen but didn't really eat.

still, she's managed to finish all the work that aether's left behind and some more, returning to the apartment for a bit to send emails, download more files, and continue drowning herself in a routine that she's more familiar with. and this bit of shut-eye is going to help her power through the rest of her own work, the ones she's set aside to focus on the more urgent cases—or at least, that's what she believes despite falling asleep all too quickly.

she's exhausted, just exhausted from the past several days. and she doesn't want to do anything else but sleep.

lumine only stirs when she hears the door downstairs slide open, wondering if that's ajax or someone else, before she closes her eyes again, letting the embrace of slumber take her back. ]

[When his shower is finished, Ajax pads back upstairs to get some clothes out of the bedroom, slipping into some pajamas for the rest of the night. He heads into the study, noticing the light on and that he hadn't found Lumine in the house yet, finding her asleep at the desk. He smiles softly, crossing over to her to find the untouched toast and the cold coffee, wondering if he should try to wake her up to take her downstairs to bed.

Though if the past is any indication of how well that'll go, since she generally shoos him away when she wants to sleep, he chooses to go grab a spare blanket. Ajax returns quickly, putting the blanket over her and picking up the dishes. When she wakes up again, she can head downstairs at her leisure.

He exits, placing a kiss to the top of her head before he goes, to go down into the kitchen to take care of them. He's not tired, surprisingly, so he goes to sit down in bed and read a book. Hopefully it'll make him tired enough to sleep, but the adrenaline from working out is still pumping through him a little.]

[ it's not long before lumine stirs back to wakefulness, her neck and back starting to get sore from how she's slumped over the desk. not the first time, really, she's passed out on her desk over work, but first time or tenth, she's not exactly growing young every time she does it. it's also only then that she notices the blanket draped across her shoulders, keeping her warm in the cool evening air of the teapot.

lumine turns off her laptop, her desk a complete mess with all the paperwork and documents she's been working on strewn around, before she heads downstairs. sleep still lingers around her like perfume, and she yawns widely and rubs her eyes as she pads towards the bedroom. she doesn't even say anything to ajax, simply crawling onto her side of the bed and letting slumber take over her once more as she closes her eyes.

she can take a shower in the morning, have a proper meal in the morning, talk to him in the morning. for now, she just wants to sleep comfortably.

it's a few hours later when lumine's breathing has turned deep and even, the rise and fall of her shoulders natural, that she turns around to face him—or at least, the other lumine does. ]

Ajax, [ she calls to him softly, careful to wake him up but not her present counterpart. once more, she presses a hand against his cheek, brushing his hair back from his face. ] Ajax ...

Edited 2022-08-18 00:05 (UTC)

[Ajax only looks up from his book briefly to watch her enter, returning to it as she crawls into bed. He swears that she falls asleep soon after, continuing to read for another half an hour or so before he can feel his own eyelids becoming heavier. The light is switched off, book set onto the nightstand, and he sinks under the covers.

It doesn't take long for him to fall asleep, his mouth hanging open as he snores lightly into the night. Ajax isn't sure how much time has passed, an echo of his name floating into his consciousness as she calls to him. He doesn't wake right away, murmuring incoherently in his sleep, her palm like a familiar, inviting warmth that beckons him to wakefulness in his mind.

His eyes slowly open after a moment, sleepily staring back into the amber of Lumine's, not recognizing that they've swapped places for the time being.]

Mmmmm...Lumine...

[Ajax nuzzles his head into her hand, before letting his head rest on the pillow once more, his eyes closing as he replies slowly.]

...What is it...

[ she waits until he slowly stirs, softly murmuring words that she doesn't understand. her thumb brushes along the curve of his cheek, coaxing him to wake up.

lumine realises that this is perhaps the worst way to go about with things. but lumine is her and she's lumine, and their stubbornness knows no bounds when they've dug their heels into the ground. her counterpart will not budge, she knows, and for good reason. it isn't as if she doesn't understand what the other girl is feeling, after all; she's still a part of her and she of her, so it makes sense, the choices the other lumine has made.

a small smile tugs at her lips when ajax starts to doze off again, and she leans in closer, pressing her forehead against his. ]

Is Childe awake? Let him know that I want to see him.

[He wishes he could just fall asleep with her as she presses her head to his, but he's not allowed to sleep- Childe only laughs at Ajax as he lies there, happy and content, nudging him awake. His eyes open fully now, though still they are still lined with sleep, now finally putting two and two together. It was her counterpart, having taken control while she slept. His brain can barely comprehend that, staring back dumbly at her for a moment.]

Lumine...

[As he wakes up, his eyes widen. Oh, Lumine will be pissed if she finds out that she'd lost control of her body while she was asleep, and Ajax immediately closes his mouth to keep himself from being loud in case even a pin drop would ruin this.]

He is awake, [Ajax whispers, searching her face for any signs of his Lumine waking up.] One moment.

[He has no idea how much time this will allow the two of them to talk again, but he won't waste another moment of it. Ajax is finding the swap easier and easier every time he does it, his eyes only blinking once before she stares back into Childe's, eyes still looking hurt but the anger has dissipated from them.

The Harbinger couldn't care less if Lumine wakes, letting his hand snake to the back of her head as he presses his mouth to hers for a kiss, deep but brief, before breaking. Despite their argument earlier, it feels like a breath of fresh air to him.]

How surreptitious of you, comrade. It really is a pity that you never joined the Fatui.

[ the kiss catches her off-guard, but lumine doesn't try to break free from his grasp or pull away, allowing the harbinger draw her closer even for a moment. her fingers curl gently around the tips of his hair, only letting go when he finally breaks the kiss. but even she knows that that's not always a good sign, that he's probably simply frustrated and it's one of the ways he shows it to her.

understandable, she thinks, after their conversation today. ]

Never my calling, [ she huffs, shaking her head in exasperation. even now, a thousand years after, he's still at it with the fatui and her. ] Besides, it wasn't as if you liked how they operated.

[ in any case, this isn't the reason why she took over lumine's body and woke up childe. and while she's certain they have enough time, her counterpart exhausted beyond reason, she doesn't want to waste any second of it. her fingers once more brush against the line of his jaw, her eyes leveled against his. ]

I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry ... [ she whispers to him as she rests her forehead against his. ] And that you've always mattered to me, even if you think you didn't.

[The brush of her fingers against his jaw gets him to close his eyes, breathing out heavily as she rests against him. Childe accepts the apology, letting her words soak in, even though he knows this already. He knows he let his temper get the best of him earlier, and he knows that it probably ate her up inside to make the decision that she did.]

I know.

[He nuzzles his head against hers, breathing out heavily as he thinks back on it.]

I'm sorry for losing my temper earlier. I shouldn't of said what I said, back then.

[Childe lets his hand fall to her cheek, his thumb brushing against her cheekbone. His eyes open once more, pain still reminiscent in them, but an understanding accompanies it.]

[ it's not that easy, she thinks, alleviating the pain completely from his eyes. lumine supposes that it'll linger there for a while longer, as long as he's still reminded of what essentially was a betrayal, and she can't blame him for that. it'll be a miracle if he trusts her wholly after this. ]

No, [ she says quietly, lowering her gaze for a moment. ] You were hurt, so it's only natural for you to lash out ...

[ that was her fault, he doesn't need to apologise to her. if she could turn back time, she would, if only to correct that one mistake, if only to keep this pain from manifesting a thousand years after they've died. this isn't something he should be dealing with by now. ]

I'm sorry ...

Lumine. There's no need to apologize anymore. Just listen to what I have to say.

[Childe stares deeply into her eyes, expression serious, as if he's speaking to the both of them, had Lumine had been awake for this. It's something he has to say, so he pauses to think on how to put this as succinctly as possible.]

I won't lecture you because I know you already know this. But for whatever grief you put yourself through when you made that decision, it could have been avoided had you made an inquiry with me about it. But...

[He looks down, sighing.]

...it didn't matter in the end, because it never came to pass. But please know, that excluding the one you love only serves to inflict unneeded hurt to them and yourself in the end. I know it serves no purpose to be told that now, but it's something I feel strongly about. You know I would never want to see you suffer unnecessarily.

[ lumine says nothing in response for a long moment, simply leaning in and tucking herself under his chin, her arms slipping around childe.

he's not entirely wrong that she already knows it, that she isn't totally unaware of what her choices entailed in the end. and while it's true that it never came to pass and discussing it now feels pointless, even more so after reuniting once again, she feels like there's a need to put it to rest anyway. perhaps they'll revisit the conversation again someday, but she has a feeling that's something ajax and lumine will have to discuss themselves.

her voice muffled against his chest: ] You know you would have never agreed if I told you about it ...

[ not that that's a valid reason not to tell him. but she's familiar with childe's temper, with the way he operates, with his own bouts of stubbornness. he would've never accepted such a proposition from her, even if she insists it's for his own benefit. ]

But mm, you're right ...

[A long sigh comes out of his nose, pulling her in as she wraps her arms around him. He lets his chin rest on the top of her head, eyes closing as they hold each other in the dark, letting himself relax after all the tension that had been built up inside of him from the day.]

...And you're right. I would have never agreed to those terms. Even if you had left me behind, I simply would have found a way to follow you.

[Not that he has any idea currently on how he would go about doing that, but some of the gods lived through that ordeal. As far as he's concerned, they owed them one- the least they could do is help him find her, had that ended up happening.

Childe kisses the top of her head before resting against it once more, staring off into the darkness now, thinking.]

She was wrong, you know.

[His voice sounds distant, recalling the argument from earlier between himself and her modern counterpart.]

There wouldn't of been a day that went by that I wouldn't think of you.

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