insurmountable | i'm dragging a heart that weighs a ton / holding out for not just anyone

[He looks around the room again, feeling just as much at home here as he does in his own place, and he almost says yes right away. What stops him is that he doesn't want to be in this room by himself, because it would feel like it would be missing something- namely, her.

They're conflicting feelings that he's not sure how to deal with, and with that he feels a familiar haze begin to form at the edges of his vision. Ajax smiles, it's not like he can blame the guy. He lived here, slept in this very bed with the one he loved, it makes sense that he'd want to experience it again.]

I'm sure she wouldn't, [he says, chuckling.] Though, it wouldn't feel right to be in here by myself. If I were to move into this room, I'd want it to be with you.

[He smiles brightly back at her, holding a finger up before she can protest.]

But, before we settle that matter, there's a certain someone who'd like to get a look at the place, since we've discovered it. I'm going to give him a moment to be in control, alright? Make sure he earns it though. Don't let him just leave without answering any questions, haha.

[ she has a lot of things to say about that, starting with his slow transformation into childe. but he stops her before she can say anything, and all lumine can do is press her lips together, looking quite annoyed that he's cutting her off.

honestly, though, she doesn't understand why he thinks she should have a say in whatever he does. in the first place, it's his body, and if he wishes to allow his counterpart to take over it, then that's not really her business. perhaps the only concerning part is the fact that the other lumine has seemingly awoken from her silence during the past few days that she'd been in the hospital.

she can feel the push and pull of emotions within her, as if sensing childe, and she stamps it down and pushes it out of her head. and yet, she can feel her pulse racing, blood pounding in her ears. ]

... I'm starting to think you really like it when someone takes over the driver's seat for you.

[ lumine sits back up properly on her bed, her gaze shifting away from ajax to the wall across them. at the very least, if she gets too upset about this, she could always just leave the teapot. ]

Hey now...

[He folds his arms over his chest, pouting at her like she's accused him of being lazy or wanting to escape from everything. Which is far from the truth of course, but he can see why she'd say that. He has been sharing his own body with a few people as of late, and it is the strangest thing that's ever happened to him.

But he's getting so used to it, and he wonders if this is just going to be his life going forward.]

I'm just being considerate. Besides, it's not like being possessed, the way Lady Guuji has to do it. How do I explain...it's as if we both have a hold of the wheel at the same time, but I'm simply swapped to being in the passenger seat, even though I still have the gas and brake pedals in front of me. We just operate everything...together.

[It's still a strange analogy, but he dismisses it with a wave of his hand. Ajax takes a deep breath, mentally preparing himself to make the swap, the haze building and shifting his mind away from being the one in charge of his own body. He's not sure if he'll ever truly get used to it.]

Anyhow, I'm going to let him in now. Don't give him the cold shoulder, okay?

[Ajax's eyes close, breathing out heavily, before the flutter open once more just a second later. Childe looks around the room much as Ajax had in the minutes prior, a soft sigh of content coming from him as he looks upon the room he once used a thousand years ago.]

Not a single thing has changed in so long, [he says wistfully, before looking over to Lumine.] Hey. Thanks for letting him do this. It's been a long time, and I really wanted to see it for myself for one last time.

[ that's the worst analogy ever, and one that doesn't even make sense. for one thing, two people can't drive a car together in the same seat; for another, having one person control the wheel and another the gas and brakes is just dangerous.

but lumine says nothing further, simply letting out a heavy sigh as she keeps her gaze glued to the wall across the bed. there's that temptation to leave even before anything happens, if only because she can feel her reins around the other lumine slowly loosening, unraveling beneath her fingers.

her breath catches when she hears his quiet murmur, sounding so much like ajax and yet knowing that it's not him. she closes her eyes and counts one to ten backward in her head. ]

For one last time, [ she echoes his words, unable to stop herself for a moment. almost immediately, however, lumine reins herself in and she gets up from the bed. ] ... Right. I'll leave you to look around the bedroom.

...Wait. Lumine, wait a moment.

[Childe looks up at her from the bed, admittedly feeling a little bad that she feels as if she needs to leave just because he's present now instead of Ajax. He knows this upsets her, because he's not the man she cares for, not in her mind. But he still doesn't want her to go, sighing through his nose, trying to figure out what he wants to say next.]

Just because I'm here doesn't meant you have to go. Stay and chat with me, won't you? We really never got the chance last we met. It was a little more business than casual back then, wouldn't you say?

[At least now they have as much time as Lumine's patience will allow, rather than being locked into a time frame before the tour guide caught them on top of their graves and got them kicked out or arrested.]

[ lumine gives it a long beat, as if debating on what she should respond to that. there are a few choice words she has in mind, but truthfully, even she finds them a little too spiteful for someone who only wants to see the teapot again. which is why she refrains from saying anything for a moment, doing and redoing her sentences in her head.

the other lumine, in a way, helps out too, soothing the hurt and the painful emotions, talking her out of just walking out wordlessly. ]

... Even if you chat with me, your Lumine isn't coming out.

[ and his lumine has accepted that she'll continue fighting her back until answers have been given. there's not much that she can do about it, understanding her current counterpart and knowing that she would've done the same if their places were reversed. ]

I'm just putting that out there right now.

[Your Lumine.

Childe only seems to laugh sheepishly at the remark, shaking his head and waving his hand.]

It's not like that, haha. This isn't some ploy to draw her out so I can speak with her again, if that's what you think. If anything, we owe both of you an apology for what happened last time.

[He pats the spot on the bed next to him, inviting her to sit back down, a soft smile on his expression. Earnest, sincere- the same as how Ajax might present himself as well. Except now it's Childe, and he has nothing to hide from her anymore. They've gone far to deep into this to act like he has to keep secrets from her.]

We both got a little carried away. And it upset you both so much that you decided to separate. That's when I realized that we need to be more respectful of your autonomy. And that's why I asked him this time, because I don't want to put him or yourself in that position again. Unless it's to save your lives, which thankfully Ajax has been able to do just fine on his own. With a little help from me, of course.

[He smiles proudly, his ego not allowing for him to not take any credit here. He did help with the transformation after all.]

[ they're both impertinent, aren't they?

there's really that reminder that this is childe she's facing, and even ajax's cheekiness has nothing on the harbinger, based on the memories lumine's shown her. and a part of her feels conflicted about it, the fact that she's losing track of where ajax ends and where childe starts. or has the line between them completely blurred? ]

Was it your power that injured him to this extent?

[ she's seen the bandages under his shirt, peeking from underneath the fabric every now and then. it's just that lumine's never said anything about, uncertain what to say.

despite his invitation, she simply folds her arms across her chest, declining his gesture to sit back down. ]

You should've stopped him.

Heh...

[Childe's hand goes up behind his head, looking guilty as charged, scratching his nape through his hair. He should of seen this coming, and he hopes she's not going to be too mad at him about it. She isn't wrong, save that it's not his power...it's their power, for now, until they become one.]

Hey, it's his power too now. I just have the strength to control it better than he does. I helped him with that, you know. But... [he guesses he should just be straight with her. Definitely something he learned from dealing with Lumine when she looked at him like that too.]

It was a combination of the burden of the transformation and how badly the god was beating him. You have to understand, though I live inside of Ajax, our connection to each other to bring out his real strength is still quite weak. If he'd stop fighting me so much, he might of walked out of that situation in a little better shape. Besides...

[He looks at her pleadingly, as if to ask her not to be cross with him over Ajax's injuries.]

You know I couldn't stop him. If I were him, I would have made the exact same decision in that moment. Neither Ajax nor I would ever let you die, and if he hadn't used the Foul Legacy Transformation, you might not be with us right now.

[ if this is his way of trying to convince her that what's happening to ajax is good, it's not working. if anything, lumine looks even more dissatisfied by the way he explains it, especially when he points out ajax's decisions during the battle with the god several days ago. ]

Lumine would never want you to sacrifice yourself for her ...

[ and for once, it's a sentiment she shares with her counterpart. to see them get hurt, to see them have to endure such suffering for them—they don't want it. even back then, when childe died to save her, she knows how devastated the traveler was.

she could feel her emotions, sharp and anguished, lance through her more painfully than the injuries she suffered. ]

You have no idea the kind of despair she felt when she saw you die that day.

[Childe falls silent for a moment, because while he doesn't know how Lumine felt in the aftermath of his death, he can imagine it. It's not like he doesn't know her, doesn't know how she felt about it or had never discussed it with her. And he now knows that she hadn't survived the ordeal, which was like a gut punch when he'd learned of it through a conversation Ajax and Lumine had had months ago.]

...I don't, it's true. But how could I ever live with myself knowing that I did nothing while that god tried to kill her? What of the despair I would feel living with that? I could never allow it. I love her, how could you or anyone else possibly expect me to stand to the side?

[And yet he still failed, and that haunts him even now. Childe pushes those sorrowful thoughts away, burying them deep down within himself so it doesn't bother him, so it doesn't dull his blade.]

We knew going into that fight that death may be a possibility. We had to win, Lumine, at any cost. And to my suspicions, it seems that we didn't finish the job, since you two still have to deal with those so-called gods to this day, who wish to rule this world under their thumb.

[But that's just more battles he gets to fight, as far as he's concerned. How lucky he is that he has a second chance to finish them off for good this time. The sea of endless battle truly exists for him, and he couldn't be happier.]

[ she sees the expression that crosses his face, the same one he's seen on ajax a few days ago, and a part of her almost falls apart. now she knows that that's childe—or a part of him—that she was looking at days ago, the light in his eyes having faded away. she remembers his words to her, understood what he wanted to tell her about it, but it doesn't mean that she willingly accepts it. accepts this as his fate, as their fate.

lumine's hands close into fists, her lips pressing together thinly as he tells her how they failed to finish the job. how it's now haunting them like a ghost. ]

When this is all over, will you give him back to me?

[ she's always assumed that this has started for a reason. the visions, the memories—it's all because of an unfinished job they left behind after they died and they're now mopping it clean. and childe saying that seems to put some weight into that theory. ]

After we've finished off the gods, will you finally leave us alone? You and Lumine.

[A small bit of worry wears on his face- he doesn't quite know how to explain this to her in any reassuring way. But it's not like he won't try, but he won't lie to her either. It's as he'd said to Lumine back in Inazuma, that maybe they should have told them. He'll do his best.]

It's...not that simple. This process, it can't be stopped, only slowed down.

[One day, they would become one with each other. It would happen and there's not much anyone can do to stop it.]

At least that's the way I understand it. We're new to this too, so we only have a relative idea of how this all works. But...I suppose you might want to look at this a different way. It's not so much that I'll give him back to you, it's more like...he's always been here with you, and always will be, even now. When this is over, I'm...not going to be completely myself anymore. Childe, the Eleventh Harbinger of the Fatui will cease to exist, and all that will be left is Ajax Volkov from here on out.

[Childe is sincere in his explanation, though he doesn't expect her to completely believe him. It's very much the opposite of what both of them thought would happen. But he smiles back at her reassuringly.]

It'll be the same for you too. You two are the ones that will carry on as we merge with you. Sorry that we can't entirely grant your wish as you've asked it, but in a sense, there will come a time where there will no longer be two consciousness in the same body.

[ lumine doesn't see any reason why childe would lie to her, and yet she still refuses to believe that. to say that, in the end, they'll be the ones to carry on—she shakes her head, unable to somehow reconcile that in her mind. after all, despite the incident having happened weeks ago, inazuma was still fresh in her memories, the way she and ajax lost their agency to both lumine and childe. ]

But he also won't be completely Ajax, either ...

[ and she's seeing the traces of those changes, changes that even ajax is aware of and tries to placate her over. from the looks of it to her, it seems as if ajax is the one disappearing, replaced by childe.

that, in itself, is unacceptable. after all, this is their life, their own person. why should they lose any part of them all because of a botched-up job a thousand years ago? that's the part that she doesn't understand. why them, just because they look like each other? ]

He's slowly changing, I can see it. Turning into you ...

[Childe sighs, as if to confirm her statement. He knows she doesn't like this. He grips the walking stick, trying to sit up a little more, his eyes squeezing shut with the pain of moving. Maybe getting up isn't such a good idea, so he dashes that thought away.]

I guess I can't really deny that. I too, have noticed that he's been taking on aspects of myself, the more we merge. But there's a reason for that, you know. He's not turning into me, per say, he's just...becoming whole again.

[Childe doesn't look away from her, because this is the truth and he feels as if she needs to hear it, even if he knows she'll just deny it. It's not up to him whether she accepts it or not anyway. But at least they'll have the information rather than being left in the dark wondering what would happen next. Uncertainty won't help them.]

Because he's me. We're the same person, just as you and Lumine are also the same person. Surely you noticed that last we spoke? It was no coincidence. All we are is the final puzzle pieces to that hole that exists in each of your souls. We've been trying to fill it since the day we were able to enter into you, so the two of you can regain your true strength. You can thank Lady Guuji for bringing that little part to Ajax's attention. It's been bugging him ever since.

[Poking her finger in there like that...that's just like her. What a lady. He'll never forget the day he met her for the first time, teasing them, being a general nuisance. He still likes her all the same, despite it.]

Anyway, you don't have to believe me. Maybe asking someone else, a third party you could say, to confirm whether or not what I'm saying is true might be in order. The one I'm speaking of is in one of the pictures downstairs. You'll probably know who I mean when you see him.

[His eyes flash, knowing full well there's a picture of Zhongli with Lumine downstairs. Morax would tell her, if she was direct with him. And knowing Lumine, she would be.]

[ his words don't really answer any questions. if anything, it only raises more, many of which lumine can't even try to figure out in her head. but the fact that he says it to her with so much confidence, even telling her to find another person to confirm it to, makes her wonder if he's really telling the truth; after all, why would childe lie to her?

of course, she has a couple of answers to that, starting with occupying their bodies and taking over their lives. but ajax had told her that he thought otherwise, that he didn't think that that's the case as to why childe and lumine are even around.

in any case, she says nothing else to that, her expression turning impassive. ]

... If he becomes whole again, like what you said, will it heal his wounds quicker?

[ childe had mentioned that doing so would give them their full strength. and if, at full strength, ajax will be able to return to normal, then she won't really stop him from allowing childe to merge with him. after all, it's his body, not hers. at the end of the day as well, it's his call to do whatever he wants. ]

Ahaaa...

[Childe only gives her a nervous look. He's seen that same face on Lumine before, wondering exactly what she was thinking. Sometimes, he can't read the traveler when she's like this, so he only smiles back.]

...No, not his current wounds, at least. But in the future, a fight like that, for example, won't break him down nearly as much as it did this time. And he'll be able to hold the transformation longer, too. He'll be far more prepared for the next time you clash with Celestia.

[That might not be exactly what she wants to hear, but he can't offer anything better at the moment. Changing his mind, he feels like he's done sitting, taking a deep breath once more and using the walking stick to hoist himself upward onto his feet, groaning with the effort.]

Hm, my...ngh...I didn't realize it was this bad. I don't think I've ever gotten this hurt fighting using the Foul Legacy Transformation.

[He hobbles over to a table, opening the drawer in it and taking out some papers that he knew were there. They'd grown yellow in the ages since, coming back to sit on the bed and resting.]

But comrade, I would suggest you look at your relationship with Lumine a little differently as well. You'll be surprised at what you'll be capable of if you allow this to come to its natural conclusion. But that's just my advice.

Edited (OMG I JUST NOTICED A TYPO) 2022-07-11 18:37 (UTC)

[ her eyes follow his movements, still rooted on the spot where she's standing. she didn't rummage through the room's contents, so she's not entirely sure what it was he grabbed from one of the drawers. but then, lumine doesn't really care; she doubts it has anything to do with her. ]

And I'm well within my rights not to heed the advice, right?

[ after all, she's never been good at following other people's advice, especially when it has something to do with herself. and she's not about to start now either, not when it's related to her own body and autonomy.

in any case, lumine doesn't think there's anything else they need to talk about. she's heard what she needed to hear and she's also indulged ajax's request. she lets her arms unfold and fall against her sides. ]

Anyway, I'm leaving. You can tell Ajax to find me once you're done with whatever you need to do in this room.

Don't worry, he already knows.

[Childe glances down momentarily to the letters in his hand, a pang of sadness hitting him as he looks down at the handwriting. Tonia's, clearly, even if the ink has faded over time. But he's sure that even after his death, herself and his other siblings had fine lives afterwards. He still hopes that they too, became warriors like him, especially Teucer.

But he looks back to her before she leaves, eyes reflecting a sort of amusement and happiness despite how she's spoken to him in this short amount of time. He doesn't find her all that much different than Lumine, just subtle differences that reflected the different life experiences they had. He's sure she's noticed the same between himself and Ajax, and he finds her carefully hidden concern for him cute.

She's always wanted to make sure that others were taken care of before herself. He's glad to see that hasn't changed.]

Haha, You were always the more stubborn one between the two of us, comrade.

[He says as he finally looks down to bury himself in the letters, carefully reading each one like he'd never seen it before, missing his family and thinking of them as he does so.]

[ lumine doesn't look back at that comment, heading straight towards the staircase and the living room. aether isn't back yet, no doubt still brooding somewhere in the teapot, and she's tempted to look for him. but a part of her knows that her brother will look for her when he's finally ready to look for her, not before.

that's always how it's been between the two of them, and that's always how it will be.

she exits the house and walks toward the beach, stretching her arms above her head. tubby's snoozing inside her own little teapot, the sound she's making seemingly content and happy, and lumine wonders if it's because she thinks the owner of the teapot has finally returned.

... the other lumine is the true owner, though, she thinks. and despite what childe tells her, she's not her. perhaps she'll have to gently speak to tubby about that.

stepping out of her shoes and walking barefoot on the sand, lumine starts following the shore away from the house. ]

[Childe takes his time reading the letters, walking slowly about the house and taking in the feel of it. It felt nice, to be back here, all these years later. He glances at the pictures on the wall downstairs, memories of friends and the fights he'd started during their little get-togethers and how fond he found them pop back up to the forefront of his mind.

That was a long time ago. Childe doesn't dwell too long on it, moving around the rest of the house before he goes outside to get the view of the sunset far off in the distance. It's just as beautiful as he remembers, sighing with content as the sun slowly dips down under the horizon. He spots Lumine down the beach a ways, chuckling to himself when he sees her. Childe gives her one last look before he closes his eyes, taking a deep breath.]

Thanks. Getting to see this all again was quite the treat. I have a feeling she's not going to be too happy with you though, so good luck. Don't worry too much though. She'll come around eventually.

[Ajax opens his eyes again, feeling Childe sink back into the back of his mind. Sighing, he starts his own trek down the beach, being careful as his stick sinks into the sand threatening to throw him off balance. He waves to her once he finally gets close, smile bright.]

Hey! [He calls to her, waving a hand in greeting.] It's a little cliche, but I didn't know you were the type to enjoy long walks on the beach, haha.

[ there are no tides in this place, no changing seasons or even the passing of time. to lumine, it feels like a realm that's frozen in place while the entire world goes with their life. she supposes that, in a way, this would make for a good shelter from the conflict happening in their lives at the moment.

but she doesn't get to contemplate it at the moment, pausing in her tracks when she hears her name. she turns around to find ajax waving at her, walking unsteadily towards her with his stick—or at least, she thinks it's ajax.

yes, it's definitely him. she doesn't think childe would be this chipper to greet her, not after their conversation. ]

Is he gone? [ she asks him, glancing down at her feet when the water washes over them. ] I thought he'd stay a little longer to look around the place.

[ what did he want anyway? even her counterpart isn't pushy enough to ask her to see the teapot. ]

He's gone.

[Well, sort of. It's not as if he isn't sitting right there, always with Ajax wherever he goes. He glances out at the sunset again, before returning his gaze to her. It's a very serene moment here, and Ajax can't say that he doesn't appreciate it.]

I think he was more concerned about the real treasure to him in the house, being those letters he took out of the drawer. They were from his family. I didn't realize how sentimental he was about things like that.

[Ajax reaches out to take her hand, to begin to walk back down the beach towards the house again, if she'll even let him take her hand to begin with. He's not sure if she's upset with him for letting Childe be here, given how cold she had been towards the Harbinger during his brief stay.]

Are you mad at him? At Childe.

[He'd told her a lot of things he's sure she didn't want to hear. If anything Ajax got the impression she didn't even want to be near the guy, partially because of himself, he thinks. She's been protective of him in regards to his other self, and while he thought that was sweet, at the same time he's not sure if that's helping them right now.]

[ lumine's instinct is to pull her hand away when he reaches out, clasping it around her arm instead. her gaze shifts away from ajax back to the water as she follows him towards the house once more.

honestly, there's no reason for her to be upset about it—to be upset towards him. it's his body, and he can decide whatever he wants to do with it. at the end of the day, it's his call if he wishes to allow childe to merge with him or whatever. and any changes with him are his to deal with. ]

No, I'm not.

[ and without another word or explanation, she quickens her pace, moving past him. maybe it was a bad idea to stay here, after all. and while she knows that their presence seemingly soothes the adeptus in the teapot, lumine doesn't know if she should even be here. ]

[He lets his hand drop back to his side, not surprised that she's pulled away from him like this. So she's not upset with Childe, she's upset with either him or both of them. But given the new details on the matter, he can't blame her. That was a lot to process, and he's sure she's not accepting of any of it.

He's not entirely sure if he's accepted it all either, but Ajax knows he's far more open to it than she is. Especially know that he knows it'll be easier for him to fight if he goes along with it.]

Lumine...

[He watches her pull ahead of him, not being able to keep up due to his injuries. Sighing, he wonders what he could possibly say now to reassure her. This one just...might take time.]

Listen, I know you're upset because you're afraid you're going to lose me. And I admit I have changed a little, but it's only changes that were built upon something that already existed. Will you believe me?

[Ajax tries to speed his pace up, but it doesn't work out for him, the sand acting like a sea of molasses that makes his step unsteady in his condition.]

And will you slow down a little? I can't keep up.

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