It was an answer he knew was coming, that she had every right to say. Before he'd even left to come to the hospital, it tore him up thinking on how much Yoimiya probably felt so betrayed by him, and the image and sound of her tucking into her self and crying on the snowy ground comes back and slams into him like a truck. The echo of I'm sorry rings in his ears, and he's unable to look at her immediately after she says it. Her voice is so quiet, lacking the life it usually does- and Ajax's eyes go straight to the ground, feeling the ache of guilt ripping into him even more than what it had the day before.
Taking a deep breath, he forces himself to look back up at her, meeting her gaze, apologizing as much as he can with his eyes before she can no longer look at him anymore. He understands, but the fact that she can't hold his gaze for longer than a moment still stings, even if he can't blame her. Ajax is silent for a moment after she asks him the question, letting out a heavy exhale while he gathers his thoughts. This is another question he expected, but as much as he's rationalized it for the last few days, it doesn't feel like it's an good or even adequate response.]
I'm still not entirely sure, [he begins slowly.] I was having fun fighting you, and when that goldfish exploded...something inside of me changed.
[He shakes his head as his hand comes up to hold his own face. Putting everything into words was difficult, but she deserves an explanation.]
I was so excited to be fighting you, and that attack really got my blood pumping, like I had a true challenge on my hands. But there was a voice there too, one that coaxed me into taking our fight more seriously...telling me that you tried to kill me with that attack.
[His eyes close as his hand falls away from his face, reflecting on it. That voice was strong and convincing, and he wishes so much that he would have seen the warning sign at the time. It had hidden itself so well in his heart, his love for battle...]
Naturally, fights to the death are ones I love the most. So that voice fed on my desires, urged me to relish in the feel of our battle, and to claim victory by...
[He can't finish the sentence. Childe has to suck in a sharp breath of air to keep himself from choking out a sob. He nearly killed the person he loves so dearly, too weak and too focused on his own selfish desires not to see the damage he was doing. Now, Yoimiya can't even look at him, and all he can do is be thankful she's still alive. His body begins to tremble uncontrollably, taking deep breaths to calm himself, just so he can continue.]
...and I fell to that voice. If I'd been stronger, I would have realized what was happening and put a stop to it before it ever got that far. I'm sorry, Yoimiya. This is my fault, and my fault alone.
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It was an answer he knew was coming, that she had every right to say. Before he'd even left to come to the hospital, it tore him up thinking on how much Yoimiya probably felt so betrayed by him, and the image and sound of her tucking into her self and crying on the snowy ground comes back and slams into him like a truck. The echo of I'm sorry rings in his ears, and he's unable to look at her immediately after she says it. Her voice is so quiet, lacking the life it usually does- and Ajax's eyes go straight to the ground, feeling the ache of guilt ripping into him even more than what it had the day before.
Taking a deep breath, he forces himself to look back up at her, meeting her gaze, apologizing as much as he can with his eyes before she can no longer look at him anymore. He understands, but the fact that she can't hold his gaze for longer than a moment still stings, even if he can't blame her. Ajax is silent for a moment after she asks him the question, letting out a heavy exhale while he gathers his thoughts. This is another question he expected, but as much as he's rationalized it for the last few days, it doesn't feel like it's an good or even adequate response.]
I'm still not entirely sure, [he begins slowly.] I was having fun fighting you, and when that goldfish exploded...something inside of me changed.
[He shakes his head as his hand comes up to hold his own face. Putting everything into words was difficult, but she deserves an explanation.]
I was so excited to be fighting you, and that attack really got my blood pumping, like I had a true challenge on my hands. But there was a voice there too, one that coaxed me into taking our fight more seriously...telling me that you tried to kill me with that attack.
[His eyes close as his hand falls away from his face, reflecting on it. That voice was strong and convincing, and he wishes so much that he would have seen the warning sign at the time. It had hidden itself so well in his heart, his love for battle...]
Naturally, fights to the death are ones I love the most. So that voice fed on my desires, urged me to relish in the feel of our battle, and to claim victory by...
[He can't finish the sentence. Childe has to suck in a sharp breath of air to keep himself from choking out a sob. He nearly killed the person he loves so dearly, too weak and too focused on his own selfish desires not to see the damage he was doing. Now, Yoimiya can't even look at him, and all he can do is be thankful she's still alive. His body begins to tremble uncontrollably, taking deep breaths to calm himself, just so he can continue.]
...and I fell to that voice. If I'd been stronger, I would have realized what was happening and put a stop to it before it ever got that far. I'm sorry, Yoimiya. This is my fault, and my fault alone.